From jumping out of planes to speaking on stages, how Louise believes the power to control our fear changes our lives

It was only four days later at Wolverhampton International Women's Day Conference that I was on stage giving a talk - another one of my happy places. It’s not what most people enjoy, public speaking. But for me, I love sharing my story and the lessons I have gleaned from it. And with so much being online I love to speak to people, not the void that is my camera. I watch reactions, their understanding or when you see they have connected to the pain in your story in a way that feels like comradeship. An unspoken ‘You are not alone’ that ripples through the room.

But how did I get here? To this point of taking opportunities most shy away from in fear? 

Fear has actually been a life long companion for me as for all people. We live our lives with fear keeping us safe from harm and limiting the dangers we put ourselves in. 

But at what point do we learn to take fear out of the driving seat?

Mine was probably at the darkest time of my life. I divorced my husband after I found out about his affair. It wasn’t an easy choice. The relationship was emotionally abusive (a generational cycle I had found myself in). After discovering the images on his phone I mentally hit rock bottom. On medication and going for CBT I was trying to get through every day for my own two daughters, both under the age of four. 

Even through all of that I wanted to save the marriage, I pleaded and begged him, I told him daily that our marriage wouldn’t survive them working together, but each day he left for work and returned to her. Fear of what was happening, fear of losing him, fear of being a single mum, fear of life alone … It was crippling. 

I had set a six month limit. And when it came and went with no changes from him, no indication he wanted to save the marriage, I had to choose.

This was my point of no return.

I could live my life paralysed by fear, or I could put fear in the back seat and take back the steering wheel of my life. 

Fear had kept me stuck for six months, and it could have been longer had I let it. 

Years can pass and we make excuses for our inaction. Leaving is the most dangerous time. Even for me. The only time I feared for my physical safety was when I told him I was filing for divorce. It was the police and his own father that got him away from myself and the girls. 

2013 came … I filed for divorce, I was made homeless and I was made redundant from my job (unrelated to the divorce, just difficult timing). In less than a year I had a new home, a new job and a new man. 

Now I have four incredible daughters, my partner is my rock, I live in our fabulous five bed home and I run a successful business giving support to other women who have experienced abuse or toxic relationships. 

Fear is, and always will be, a part of us. But I have chosen to make fear a consultant, not the CEO of my life.

Now when opportunities arise I make choices based on whether I want to have that experience or not. I don’t make choices based on fear.