Nativity but not as you know it

Once, in Royal David's city, stood a lowly cattle shed.

It was a silent night and Mary's Boy Child had just been born.

"He'll be lonely this Christmas, it's always the same when a child is born," said Mary, searching for the mistletoe and wine.

"I put it away in the manger," Joseph, chipped in helpfully, hoping no-one from social services was listening in.

"Time for presents?" he asked. "You know I believe in Father Christmas."

"Aww, Joey, you shouldn't have," smiled Mary, "All I want for Christmas is you."

"No problem," laughed Joseph, "I bumped into Father Daley outside and just asked him 'What am I gonna get for 'er indoors?' It's a CD by one of his friends, Father Ted Crilly, 'My Lovely Horse'."

"Great, we'll be rocking around the Christmas tree to that later," she said, tucking it under the holly and the ivy.

"It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas, it's is my favourite time of year and I just know December will be magic again."

"Yes, it's the most wonderful time of the year, isn't it? So who's coming round for Christmas dinner? Your little Scottish relatives again, same as last Christmas?"

"Yes, the wee Three Kings will be driving home for Christmas. It's 2,000 miles though in the bleak midwinter so their little donkey is staying at home."

Joseph peered out of the stable door and gazed out over the little town of Bethlehem: "Baby, it's cold outside. Perhaps we should stay another day, have you got any Christmas wrapping left to do?"

"Good idea, we'll stay for the twelve days of Christmas, instead of setting off on New Year's Day. I suppose we'll know when it's time to go when they ring out solstice bells."

"Ahh, yes, I hope they don't let the bells end this year and we get chance for a sleigh ride together."

"Definitely, we can head over to that Winter Wonderland in Birmingham."

"Don't think so, it's closed already. Health and safety reasons I think. Someone slipped while dancing with one of the staff."

"Again? They should know by now; never do a tango with an Eskimo."

"Apparently, they're going for a 'sci-fi farming' theme next year after a spaceman came travelling while shepherds watched their flocks by night."

"Wow! The Christmas lights will be spectacular especially if the weather's frosty. The snowman will be ace too, but I hope they don't have the same Santa as last year."

"Why so?"

"Don't tell anyone, but I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus once."

"No! That's the power of love I suppose though. I'm not keen on him either, to be fair; if he tried it on with me it'd be 'not tonight, Santa!'"

"Very wise. He never brought me that little drummer boy I asked for either. I had to stop the cavalry march I'd planned in my bedroom; I was hoping all my toys would step into Christmas together. Instead I was the little boy that Santa Claus forgot."

"I worry about his elves; do they know it's Christmas? Do they get a day off, or does he just give them a winter's tale about mince pies and Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer jetting off around the world?

"Haha! The fairytale of New York? But I'm sure he treats his elves well and they all have a wonderful Christmas time."

Suddenly a young boy appeared, following a star in the sky. "Look everybody," he shouted, "Santa Claus is coming to town!"

At this, all fighting across the land stopped and, as good King Wenceslas' soldiers smoked their pipes of peace in no man's land, they rejoiced, shouting: "Happy Christmas! War is over!"

"Thank God it's Christmas," smiled Joseph as he handed Mary her a long roll of sugar candy, wrapped with festive decorations.

"Oh, a stick of jingle bell rock! That's what I want for Christmas," she smiled, "It's proper Crimbo. I wish it could be Christmas every day."

"Me too," said Joseph, "Merry Xmas everybody."

Answers (NO CHEATING!): Once in Royal David's City, Silent Night, Mary's Boy Child, Lonely this Christmas, When a Child is Born, Mistletoe & Wine, Away in a Manger, I Believe in Father Christmas, All I Want for Christmas is You, What Are We Going To Get For 'Er Indoors, My Lovely Horse, Rocking Around the Christmas Tree, The Holly and the Ivy, It's Beginning to look a lot like Christmas, My Favourite Time of Year, December Will Be Magic Again, The Most Wonderful Time of the Year, Last Christmas, Wee Three Kings, Driving Home for Christmas, 2,000 Miles, In the Bleak Midwinter, Little Donkey, Little Town of Bethlehem, Baby, it's Cold Outside, Stay Another Day, Christmas Wrapping, The Twelve Days of Christmas, New Year's Day, Ring Out Solstice Bells, Don't Let The Bells End, Sleigh Ride, Winter Wonderland, Never Do a Tango with an Eskimo, Spaceman Came Travelling, While Shepherds Watched Their Flocks By Night, Christmas Lights, Frosty The Snowman, I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus, The Power of Love, Not Tonight Santa, Little Drummer Boy, Stop the Cavalry, Step into Christmas, The Little Boy That Santa Claus Forgot, Do They Know It's Christmas?, A Winter's Tale, Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer, The Fairytale of New York, Wonderful Christmas Time, Santa Claus is Coming to Town, Good King Wenceslas, Pipes of Peace, Happy Xmas (War is Over), Thank God It's Christmas, Jingle Bell Rock, That's What I Want for Christmas, Proper Crimbo, I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday, Merry Xmas Everybody