Ron Atkinson: A word I have never used before or since

It is just after half past 10 in Monaco on an April night in 2004. Chelsea have blown their chance of a first Champions League final and I am about to blow my commentary career with a phrase I shall always

regret.

The broadcast finished a few minutes ago. Chelsea, facing a Monaco side down to 10 men, have lost the first leg of their semi-final 3–1. Realistically, there is no way back for them. My microphone has been slung away. It is a couple of yards from where I am sitting, mulling over the game.

Out of the corner of my eye I see the highlights tapes going round, preparing them to be relayed to the studio. In the studio, they are on an ad break. Normally, one of the production team will go over and switch off the microphones and disconnect the feeds. But tonight she doesn't.

There's a problem gaffer, and they've got it on tape

When we left the Stade Louis II, I got a car back to the hotel with Frank Lampard's father. As we were being driven to the hotel, Frank Senior got a call from his son, who was raging about Chelsea's performance.

Frank, like me, could not understand why his manager, Claudio Ranieri, had brought on Juan Sebastian Veron, who had barely played for the club that season, and left Joe Cole, who was a regular, on the bench.

He was also scathing about Desailly's performance. When we got to the hotel, I had a drink with Alec Stewart, who is a big Chelsea fan, and Robbie Williams, who I knew from when I'd appeared on TFI Friday with Chris Evans.

The storm broke the next morning.

Normally, I would have flown back straight after the game but because it was Monaco I'd taken Maggie with me and we were sitting in the main square outside the hotel when Andy Townsend came over to me and said, 'We've got a bit of a problem, gaffer.

'Something's happened last night and they've got it on tape.'

I could not for the life of me imagine what he was talking about. 'What do you mean, got it on tape?' Maggie was sitting with me and I was so confused that moments afterwards she said, 'You do realise you have just blanked Roman Abramovich?'

The man who owned Chelsea and whose yacht was moored in Monaco's harbour had come over to our table but we'd all got up to discuss this tape recording and he had moved away.

I was told that Brian Barwick, the head of ITV Sport, wanted a conference call with me and Clive Tyldesley immediately. Barwick had taken the job just before the 1998 World Cup and I first met him when he sat next to me when France played South Africa in Marseilles.

Without question, Barwick had a huge leaning towards Liverpool and if I had been the former manager of Liverpool rather than Manchester United, I suspect he would not have finished me over the Desailly affair. Not long into the call I said, 'Right, I will resign.' 'Well,' Barwick said, 'if you are going to do that, then we had better have a chat in about three or four weeks' time.'

The inference I drew from that was that ITV would have me back.

But that was never on his agenda.

She heads straight to the tunnel, a place where she has no real business to be.

I don't know why she went there. Perhaps she wants to take in the atmosphere around the dressing rooms. But the microphones are on and some of the feeds are still live.

One is going to Dubai and, from there, across the Middle East. Then, when Marcel Desailly appeared on the tape, I make my comment: 'He is what is known in some schools as a thick, lazy n****r.'

That is the only time I am going to say that word.

It was a word I had never used before and have never used since. It was idiotic, stupid and offensive and I should never have said it. To this day, I cannot believe I did.

The one thing I can say in my defence was that I was quoting a phrase that at least two managers I knew had used.

I didn't shout it; I almost mumbled it, with my head resting on my hand.

I don't even think Clive Tyldesley, who was commentating with me, heard it.

But in Dubai, via the open mic, they did. I was furious with the way Chelsea had played.

Des Lynam said I should have sued ITV

My mind was racing back to all the players I'd worked with: Cyrille, Brendon and Laurie at West Brom when racism was at its height in the English game; Paul McGrath, Paul Williams, Carlton Palmer – people I am still friendly with now.

I was ashamed of what I'd said but the attitude of the black footballers I had worked with was the same.

When contacted by the media, they insisted that what I had said was wrong but I was not a racist.

In one game as manager of Aston Villa, I had played an entire team of black players with the exception of Mark Bosnich and Shaun Teale.

Neither Barwick nor ITV pointed any of that out to the media.

They did not say I had been quoting a phrase.

Before he joined ITV, I was never particularly close to Des Lynam because when he was with the BBC he was so convinced of how superior the corporation was to ITV.

But he was very supportive now and he said I should have sued ITV because I was not working when I used the phrase and it was their error that it had been broadcast.

By the time we got back, the press was camped outside the front door and through them all came one of the area's most prominent businessmen, who was Indian.

He had never been to our house in his life but he brought a bunch of flowers.

He said, 'Ron, I am so sorry about what's happened.

'We all remember when you put the black boys in at West Brom.'

They should have romped the game. Every big team had gone out of the Champions League. There was just Monaco, Porto, Deportivo La Coruna and Chelsea left.

Monaco's main striker was Fernando Morientes, who was on loan from Real Madrid and who had scored the goal that had knocked out Madrid earlier in the competition.

I said live on air that this was a big game for Marcel Desailly. He was a World Cup winner playing alongside John Terry, who was then 23. 'Desailly has got to help John Terry out,' I said.

Instead, Desailly kept trying to play offside with no account of where Terry was. Desailly was finishing at the end of the season, he would be going to Qatar and he had played like it.

Ron Atkinson: The Manager is available from www.decoubertin.co.uk/BigRon – the retail price is £20 but it is currently available for £17.99 on the website.