'Wish you were here' – expect a media frenzy on winter fuel cut as soon as cold snap arrives
"Hullo, grubby Fleet Street tabloid newspaper newsdesk here. Kelvin speaking. How can I ****ing help you?"
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"Fleet Street?"
"Just an old habit mate. Get on with it. I've got a cub reporter to roast."
"Er, my name is Alfred Snoggins, and I'm taking a winter holiday in Madeira."
"Lucky you," snarls Kelvin.
"Out here it's, how do you say, phwoar what a scorcher, and I've got pictures of people lying in the sun, sunbathing."
"Well, ****ing fancy that." (mocking tone).
"You don't understand. While they were frolicking in the sun-glistened waves I crept over to their sunbeds and noticed that they all have union cards. See? They're union members spending their inflation-busting pay rises awarded by Sir Keir Starmer. They are enjoying a carefree winter holiday soaking up the sauna-like warmth of the Mediterranean." (geography wasn't Alf's strong point)
For the first time, Alf had Kelvin's full attention.
"I just thought you might like to publish it alongside a picture of a granny shivering under a blanket in Stockport because she can't afford to pay her heating bill, now that Starmer has taken away her winter fuel allowance."
