Turned off by music festivals experience

I’ve been reviewing live music for several years now, so it may come as a surprise for me to say that I’m pretty sure I despise attending weekend festivals.

Call me miserable - you certainly wouldn’t be the first - but I honestly can’t think of anything worse than spending the weekend in a muddy field with no sign of a shower for miles.

Don’t get me wrong, I love live music, but festivals combine two things that I dislike so much it outweighs my adoration for music: camping and drunk strangers.

Festivals are basically a camping holiday, but instead of the peaceful views that sort-of make up for the fact that you’re entombed in warm fabric, you get a drunk teenager waking you up as they trip into your canvas coffin.

Assembling a tent induces stress levels that I have never experienced in other areas of my life, and taking it down is even worse. There is nothing more soul-destroying than carrying all of your mud-covered possessions across a litter-covered field to go home, and recover for longer than you spent at the festival itself.

The levels of dirt at a festival are simply ghastly. They’re full of actual mud from the inevitable British weather treating us to downpours, as well as the debris of thousands of drunk humans and a lack of toilet facilities - something not worth thinking about.

The weather is never as good as you think it will be meaning you will drown in a sea of mud. If by some miracle it is sunny, you’ll marinate in your own sweat, as well as every other crowd member as you’re packed in front of the enormous stages like sardines.

Most of your time there will be spent idly wandering from one end of a giant field to another, which is great for your overall fitness, but it mostly leaves you tired and annoyed that you’ve missed half of your favourite band’s set.

The food is overpriced and you’ll probably have to eat it on the floor, and that’s before I even get started on the price of alcohol at a festival. My jaw has never hit the floor so hard when faced with a £12 receipt for two pints.

Most disappointing of all, I find it to be one of the worst environments in which to listen to live music. Some bands do generate an incredible atmosphere with a large crowd in the outdoors, but many become lost under wind-blown speakers.

At a venue show, while they’re also hot and sweaty, you can go home at the end and jump into the shower before enjoying the comfort of your own bed. There’s usually only one stage you need to keep your eyes and ears peeled for, so you can guarantee you won’t miss that band you’ve been dying to see.

One thing that a show in a venue doesn’t possess however, is the compelling family atmosphere that festivals generate. That drunk teenager that fell into your tent the night before? You could be dancing under the sun arm in arm the following day. Festivals allow you to feel connected to thousands of people who love the same music as you do, and that is something truly special.

Despite the undoubtedly-electric presence that festivals do possess, I think I’ll be leaving my wellies and glitter pots at home this year.