Peter Rhodes on a dodgy second referendum, learning all about banter and a tasty dinner for our favourite vets

DENIS NORDEN, who has died aged 96, gave us some wonderful comedy phrases including ‘disgusted of Tunbridge Wells’ and ‘Infamy, infamy, they’ve all got it in for me’. But I love the sheer, silly and exquisitely English surrealism of: “I have a suspicion that the photos on seed packets are posed by professional flowers.”

GINA MILLER, the unelected multi-millionaire and spouter of the least convincing political slogan of our age (“We’re all leavers now”) says a People’s Vote on Brexit would give folk a chance to have their say on ‘all the options’. What could be fairer than that?

AND then you see Ms Miller’s list of ‘all the options’: 1) Leave the EU under the Chequers plan. 2) Leave the EU with no agreed deal. 3) Stay in the EU. You don’t need a degree in maths to notice that this three-way poll effectively keeps the Remain vote intact while dividing the Leave vote, thus handing an 11th hour victory to the Remainers. No-one doubts that Ms Miller is well educated and intelligent. But she seems to think the rest of us are as thick as mince.

AT the heart of the People’s Vote campaign is the belief that because only old (and dim) people voted for Brexit and delivered a 52:48 per cent win, they will soon die off and the Remainers will be in the majority. How odd, then, that all the broadcasters referred to Salzburg being made famous by The Sound of Music, as though it were a common point of reference. Time moves on. Julie Andrews’ greatest film was made 54 years ago. Today, what percentage of the British public have seen The Sound of Music? A lot less than 52 per cent, I bet.

WHAT is the appeal of The Yorkshire Vet (C5)? I suspect it has something to do with the very low body-count (just about every patient survives) plus the fact that no-one is ever shown being asked to pay for treatment. I am mildly surprised at the amount of time and effort put into saving farm animals whose normal life expectancy from birth to abattoir is only weeks. Can’t wait for the episode when t’vet gives an injured little lamb the once-over and announces: “Aye-oop, there’s nowt’ll save this little ‘un. Anybody got any mint sauce?”

LEICESTERSHIRE Police are offering ‘banter lessons’ to officers and civilian staff. As the force’s diversity and inclusion unit explains: “The training has been delivered after questions from the workforce about what is acceptable and what isn’t.” Good luck with that. The snag is that the line between banter and offensiveness is paper-thin and changes almost hourly. No-one should underestimate the ability of some snowflakes to take offence at anything. How long before the term ‘diversity and inclusion’ is regarded as deeply intrusive and somebody is awarded compensation?

MEANWHILE, amid all this diversity, inclusion and banter-awareness, nine out of 10 burglaries are still not being solved. Mind how you go, luv.