Peter Rhodes on strange milk, not-so-green cars and the approaching apocalypse of Brexit

I SUGGESTED a couple of days ago we might celebrate Brexit Day next March by setting off fireworks. A reader takes me to task: "Why would you like to terrorise animals around the country by such an antic?" What animals? As all serious Remoaners know, by the time we leave the EU the economy will have collapsed, we'll all be living in mud huts scavenging for food and all the cows, sheep, cats, rats, dogs and hamsters will have been eaten long ago. Our rockets will fall harmlessly into a bleak and blasted apocalyptic landscape. Or am I thinking of the millennium bug?

I HAVE no idea how this got past the marketing people but I see the Arla dairy co-operative is selling "Farmers Own Milk." Arla is based in Leeds but doesn't it put you in mind of Royston Vasey?

HALF a page of the Daily Telegraph was devoted to a report about the Prince of Wales hoping to acquire an American electric car, the Tesla. We were informed that Prince Charles' people have been speaking to Tesla for more than a year about the acquisition. Very odd. Buying cars is normally quick and simple. So what can the hold-up be? Unless, of course, this is not a sale at all but a freebie arrangement in which Tesla supplies the car, HRH polishes his green credentials by saying nice things about electric vehicles and the Telegraph splashes what is in effect a free advert.

ON the same day, quite by chance, my electricity bill arrived. It's a reminder that electric cars are clean and green only if they are powered by clean, green electricity. In 2016-17 less than a quarter of UK electricity came from renewable sources and more than half came from nasty ol' planet-warming coal and gas. Put that in your Tesla and burn it.

INCIDENTALLY, if you have enough solar panels, it is possible to provide all your own electricity and sell a surplus to the National Grid. The snag is that most houses have roofs big enough for only a few panels. On holiday in Dorset we came across one enormous farm house with an entire south-facing roof covered in solar panels. Seventy of them. As is so often the case, the best way to make money is to have money.

AND in to the post-holiday fitness regime to iron out those rolls and folds that mysteriously appear after a week of all-day breakfasts on the beach. We have invested in an outdoor table-tennis set. I had forgotten what a fast and competitive game it is. The scoring system goes like this: 1-0, 2-0, 3-0. Is this table level? 4-0. 5-0. I'm sure that net's too high. 6-0. This bloody bat is far too fast. 7-0. Wasps! 7-1. Call it a draw?

THE shortest and most thought-provoking comment on taking photographs up ladies' skirts came in an online debate this week: "Upskirt. Wimbledon."