Peter Rhodes: Off with his head

AND the award for the worst TV ad of the year so far surely goes to the Financial Conduct Authority's useless campaign to get us to claim for wrongly sold payment-protection insurance. That's the one featuring the severed head of Arnold Schwarzenegger, mounted on caterpiller tracks and snarling "come on!" and "make a decision!" at the audience. It's not a very good likeness of Arnie, the words are puzzling and I dare say it could frighten the kids. More to the point, how did an organisation known as the Financial Conduct Authority come to spend a reported £42 million in this campaign?

IN any case, surely by now anyone remotely concerned about PPI has claimed their loot. By their own admission, the authorities are now hunting down folk who didn't even realise they might qualify. While justice must be done, what is the point in showering people with money they didn't know they were due, haven't missed and don't need?

MY eye was caught by the headline on a feature about the EU negotiator Michel Barnier: "The Britain-hating Gallic popinjay with an ego the size of an EU butter mountain." Aren't you reminded of Paul Newman's immortal line in Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid? "Don’t sugar-coat it, Kid, give it to her straight."

TALKING of throwing large sums of cash about, ask yourselves which of these two projects represents better value for money. The newly opened Queensferry Crossing over the Firth of Forth is a national wonder. The tallest bridge in Britain, it is also, at 1.6 miles, the longest three-tower, cable-stayed bridge in the world. More to the point, it is a creation of great imagination and light-catching beauty, a thing to inspire the senses and delight the soul while opening the road to the most glorious scenery in Britain. The Queensferry Crossing cost £1.35 billion. Latest estimate for rebuilding the Houses of Parliament in the style our MPs and Lords deem appropriate for the large-scale production of hot air is £4 billion and rising.

WHAT this nation needs is some overseeing person with a proven track record for frugality to supervise such vast projects. May I propose the Waitrose customer who (according to my spy within the store) makes a small purchase every day in order to qualify for Waitrose's famous free cup of coffee. To be honest, "small" is hardly the right word. This customer actually buys one carrot, breaks it in half, weighs it, pays between 3p and 5p at the checkout, and gets his free coffee. That style of penny-pinching should be harnessed for the public good. Bring on the Parsimony Tsar.

A FRENCH butcher and breeder, Alexandre Polmard, is promoting steaks which are more than 13 years old, produced by a special ageing process. A reader tells me he once made a shepherd's pie from a piece of lamb he had overlooked in his freezer for five years, and does this count as haute cuisine, too?

PROBABLY not. More to the point, how long can you leave lamb in the freezer before it becomes mutton?