Peter Rhodes: They're eating our fish!

TRADE Secretary Liam Fox says some parts of the media would rather see Britain fail than Brexit succeed: “I cannot recall a single time in recent times when I have seen good economic news that the BBC did not describe as “despite Brexit.” Meanwhile, it is reported that the population of gannets on the sea cliffs of Yorkshire has shot up from 2,550 to 13,400. Despite Brexit.

REPORTING the rise in the gannet population, the RSPB hails it as a great breeding success, made possible by rich pickings of fish in the waters of Dogger Bank. Hang on. Aren't those our fish? At what stage does a “success” for the gannets become a threat to our cod and chips?

WHENEVER some new crime hits the headlines, politicians tend to demand “tough new laws.” The truth is that England has more than 1,000 years of legislation covering everything from blasphemy to bestiality. It is daft to think that we need new laws to deal with the sudden spate of acid attacks, for two reasons. Firstly, causing grievous bodily harm with intent already carries a maximum sentence of life imprisonment. Secondly, most of these offences are committed by teenagers – and can anyone seriously imagine one of today's kid-glove courts jailing a kid for such an offence for more than a few months? Of course not. Courts and prosecutors already have all the powers they need. The problem is an institutional lack of enthusiasm to use them.

JODIE Whittaker is the first female Doctor Who. Any suggestions for the first female Dalek?

I WROTE a few days ago about the tendency of modern English speakers to shorten the phrase “Do you know what I mean?” to “jinarmin?” A reader says he's fed up with another much-used abbreviation “2Bonisstwivyer.”

AFTER last week's news about London Underground announcers replacing “ladies and gentlemen” with the gender-neutral “hello, everyone,” One national newspaper's online discussion points out: “The very notions of gender transformation and individual conflict between gender self-identity and biological sex presupposes pretty clearly defined (and stereotypical) gender categories.” Oh, where would we be without The Guardian?

TRADITIONALLY, if you skipped a couple of instalments on your car loan, a couple of burly blokes would turn up on your doorstep, demand the keys and take it away, as the neighbours sniggered. It was very embarrassing and traumatic. Now, thanks to computer technology, the money lenders can simply immobilise the vehicle in “a safe place” until you pay up. This seems a firm but fair way of collecting the money owed. But according to weekend reports, some lawyers believe so-called kill-switches could affect “vulnerable” drivers. Depends what you mean by vulnerable. I suspect an entire generation is growing up believing that, because loads of people never pay off their university debts, all debts can be regarded as optional. If vulnerable means vulnerable we must heed the warnings. But I bet in many cases vulnerable means stupid.

THAT whiff? At this time of year the smell in the air could be silage, compost or freshly harvested beans. Or it could be the stinking hypocrisy of Tony Blair. More tomorrow.

CAPTION Jodie Whittaker