Peter Rhodes: Trump's pick

HERE'S a curious thing. Thinking about buying a new car, I contacted one of those online buy-your-car websites. I was surprised to be offered twice as much as I'd expected for my ageing diesel. The very next day came news that Whitehall is considering a scrappage scheme to get diesel cars off the road. That old oil-burning weapon of mass destruction on your drive may soon be worth a lot more than you imagined.

BT contacts me with the message: "We've simplified your bill." Why does this not fill my heart with joy?

SURE enough, "simplified" turns out to mean"increased." BT is whacking an extra £2.50 on my monthly broadband and calls plus 49p for my calls tariff. But, they stress, "We're committed to keeping your line rental at the same price for the whole of 2017." Or to put it another way: "We are hiking your phone bill. We are taking the money out of your left pocket, not your right pocket."

THE late, great Les Dawson told the tale of a man who went to the Jobcentre and explained it had been a long time since he'd had a job. "So what was that job?" asked the clerk. "Zeppelin builder," replied the man. It's a reminder that some jobs don't survive the march of history. Carl Frey, a technology expert at Oxford University, has compiled a list of the £40,000-plus jobs most at risk from robots. Right at the top, I am delighted to report, are insurance underwriters. If a government wanted to do the greatest good for the greatest number of people, it would nationalise the entire insurance industry tomorrow. And if robots were put in charge, so much the better. I have just received the renewal notice for my road-recovery insurance. Apparently, the money will be taken from my account automatically and if I wish to cancel, it will cost me £9.99. Only a human could dream up such things. A robot would never be so mean.

ROBOTS would not get entangled in the Great British Whiplash Scam, either. Inventing or exaggerating neck injuries in car crashes has turned the UK into the whiplash capital of the world, bumped up premiums by at least £40 and created a vast legal industry. A survey for a lobby group reports that 44,200 people are working in legal and personal-injury claims-management jobs. If the claim rules were tightened, as the Government has threatened, this industry would lose £20 million and up to a quarter of law firms involved would go bust. As I read this, my heart bleeds. Where do I claim compensation?

THE march of Americanisms goes on. The word "choice," as in Donald Trump's choice of high-ranking officials, seems to have been replaced by the US word "pick." Thus the Guardian refers to "Trump's likely ambassador pick." Harrumph.

I REFERRED a few days ago to Sheep Week on Farming Today (Radio 4). A reader writes: "Surely every week is Sheep Week." He points out that countless people are fleeced by rogues or governments, remoaners bleat about Brexit, commuter trains are always rammed and when the courts hand down lenient sentences, there is a ewe and cry. And isn't there a football manager called Merino? Enough sheep puns, already.