Peter Rhodes: Washing machine for hire?

WE are told that the Thatcherite French politician Francois Fillon will be the next President of France "according to the polls." You'd think we'd have learned by now.

IN one of the early reports, Fillon was described as an Anglophile, on the grounds that his wife Penelope comes from Abergavenny. It seemed a strange assumption and, sure enough, later reports made it plain that he is, in fact, a "proud Frenchman." Having a Welsh spouse is absolutely no guarantee that you love England.

Bad news for Leonard Cohen fans. I have found online the ukulele chords for Cohen's best-loved hit. That's what the musical world has been waiting for. A George Formby version of Hallelujah.

I REVEALED recently that, like the Duke of Edinburgh, I have not had flu for 40 years, touch wood. A reader tells me she is unable to have flu jabs owing to a serious allergy but has now been flu-free for 50 years, touch wood. It occurs to me that doctors, instead of spending so much time examining poorly people, should find out why folk like us are unscathed by every wave of flu, touch wood. My personal theory is that it's because we touch an awful lot of wood.

THE curse of predictive spelling strikes again. Yesterday's item on songbirds lingered in my computer's memory and the above item almost ended as "we touch an awful lot of woodpecker." My thanks, as always, to the proofreader.

SCAM spotting. The latest dodgy email to arrive in my computer, offering an income- tax refund, comes from "HMRC Review Center" which means it probably originates in the land where they have honor, color, neighbor and harbor. Strange to report, in the land of Her Majesty's Revenue and Customs, we speak the Queen's English. And preserve our sense of humor.

ACCORDING to the Scottish Government, wrongdoers should no longer be called "offenders" by the criminal justice system, because the term is not "inclusive" enough. The SNP's new National Strategy for Community Justice says an offender should instead be referred to as a "person with convictions" or "person with an offending history." This is very strange. I always thought that a person with convictions was someone to be admired. As for the term "offending history," it is such a confusing concept that it's probably a crime against the English language. If they're crims, they're crims and if being called "offenders" offends them, then they should stop committing offences, innit?

ON Any Questions (Radio 4) Tony Blair's former "special adviser" Alastair Campbell said he was bewildered that someone like Donald Trump could be presented to the American public as a suitable presidential candidate. I think I may know who was responsible, Alastair. The spin-doctors.

ELECTROLUX is reportedly investigating an "Uber for laundry" scheme. Instead of buying an expensive washing machine, people could use an app to rent time using a neighbour's washing machine. Clever idea, but it may have come a little too late. Some washing-machine owners are already offering a laundry service for other people. It is called Mum.