Peter Rhodes: Just another EU citizen

MOST memorable TV quote of the week came from Delia's Welsh mother, beginning to suspect her daughter is a lesbian, in Call the Midwife (BBC1): "I am not an unsophisticated woman. I have been to Jersey."

I HAVE no idea whether the Queen wants us in or out of the EU. But there is the issue of her dignity. Under UK law we are subjects, she is the monarch and her title is "Elizabeth the Second, by the Grace of God of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and of Her other Realms and Territories Queen, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith." Under EU law we are all equal citizens and her title, for voting purposes, is "Mrs E Windsor."

CONSPIRACY corner. The sudden rush of headlines announcing that a cure for cancer is on the horizon (again) will cut no ice with die-hard conspiracy theorists. They know for sure that the cure was discovered many years ago but has been kept secret by the sinister cartel which runs the global pharmaceutical industry in order to keep peddling billions of treatments that offer some relief but no cure. A cure for cancer would seriously damage their profits. The tiny glitch in this theory is the number of drug-company bosses and their loved ones who die of cancer.

CAN a gentleman ever wear red trousers? Country Life, the bible of the leafy shires, says the mickey-taking of red trousers has sent sales into a sharp decline. But why did they become fashionable in the first place? The answer goes back more than 200 years to the Peninsular War when the 11th Hussars were billeted in a cherry orchard. According to legend, their fawn-coloured breeches became stained by cherry juice and the top brass decided the only solution was to dye the breeches red. Thereafter the regiment became known as the Cherry Pickers, or Cherrybums. Off-duty officers took to wearing red trousers and the fashion has been continued both by officers of the successor regiments and toffs who haven't a clue of their origins. One old soldier informed a military chat room this week: "It's a collective-identity thing. We know they look stupid."

MAKES you wonder what sort of traditions today's military units will leave behind. The regiments of the British Army are littered with strange customs and dress peculiarities. Some wear their hats for breakfast, others wear a badge on the back of their berets and some never stand up to drink the loyal toast. There's a tale of death or glory behind every little quirk. You don't create that sort of tradition when you're sitting behind a computer screen flying drones for Queen and country.

I ASKED whether you had drawers (the furniture sort, thanks) with strange names. A reader tells me of her bizarrely-shaped cupboard which is so narrow and tapered that it can only hold two long, thin vases. They call it the awkward cupboard.

YOU may recall a few weeks ago I suggested the £50,000 warning signs installed at our local ford would do nothing to stop idiots trying to drive through it in full spate. Sure enough, this week's downpours delivered the usual crop of stranded cars and drivers punching their dashboards as their ruined engines spouted steam, and the locals sniggered. The only way to stop people chancing their luck in a flooded ford is to tow an old banger into the water and leave it half-submerged. They'll get the message.