Thank you, Mr Putin

THE total debt on this planet is now almost three times the planet's annual output. Every man, woman and child owes, on average, about £20,000. The sums are way beyond boggling. As one wag asked on the radio a few days ago: "Who are we borrowing from – Mars?"

THE Russians are coming. Moscow has long been a friend of President Assad of Syria and has military bases in his war-shredded country. So it's hardly surprising the Kremlin is sending troops to defend the place. The West is making suitably horrified noises, but our own top brass will be delighted. We may soon have a chance to see how the suicide bombers and beheaders of Islamic State fare against a modern, well-equipped army – and without losing a single US or UK soldier. Whatever they say in public, the generals in Whitehall and Washington will be secretly thinking: thank-you, Mr Putin.

WHICH may soon be the sentiment expressed by Elton John. He has asked Putin to meet him to debate Russia's anti-gay laws. I bet they'll be hugging within a month.

THE language of doubt. Next time you see a news report warning of climate catastrophe, count the number of words and phrases expressing uncertainty. This week, for example, the Daily Telegraph headlined a lengthy report: "Big Freeze on the Way thanks to El Nino." The actual news report was nowhere near so confident. It included the following terms, in order of their appearance: "could, could, tends to, can cause, sometimes, too early to be certain, impossible to be certain, could, maybe, may shift, usually, could." In other words, they don't know.

I AM often wrong in my political forecasts but I would not write off Jeremy Corbyn too soon. While the Westminster elite have been guffawing at his unpolished speeches and tut-tutting at his refusal to sing the National Anthem, 30,000 new members have joined the Labour Party. The more the Fleet Street pack snaps at the new leader's heels and the more that smart-arse TV pundits scoff at him, the more the Great British Public sees Corbyn as a bullied hero and suspect there is an Establishment plot against him. If there is one thing the GBP cannot abide, it is bullying.

AND tell me, how is an avowed republican like Corbyn supposed to sing the line: "Long to reign over us"? Sing and you're a hypocrite. Don't sing and you're a traitor.

MEANWHILE, on reading the BBC feature, 24 Things that Jeremy Corbyn believes (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-34209478), I find I agree with about half.

THE lambs in the field down the road have been gambolling, grazing and getting steadily fatter over the past few months. Now a big sign appears in the field, informing us that from 4pm tomorrow the farmer will be selling whole or half lambs. One of the mercies of being a lamb is that you never learn to read.

I FOOLISHLY suggested a few days ago that a 27-year-old female lawyer famously published her photo on Twitter. It was, of course, on LinkedIn. It is easy to get them confused, especially if you really don't give a damn about either.

ODDLY enough, I get a steady stream of people wanting to be connected to me on LinkedIn. What profound depths of misery and under-achievement must someone have plumbed to think that a connection with me can help in the slightest? Go away. I will only drag you down further.