Three Popes?

THE detection and return of three Islamic State volunteers in Turkey is hailed as a text-book example of co-operation. And so it was. Until the last act when someone decided it would be a good idea to release them on bail. Bail? Have we gone completely mad?

POPE Francis says he may quit within three years, although it's not clear whether he's talking about resigning or meeting the Grim Reaper. If he's serious about standing down, we could end up with a unique set-up in the Vatican: Three Popes, no queuing.

THOSE birds? The big ones sitting on your fence, with blood dripping from their beaks and bits of flesh hanging off their talons? They are called vultures. They are waiting for you to turn your annuity into a lump sum, as suggested by that nice Mr Osborne in tomorrow's Budget. They will then offer you some amazing investment deals which end up with them stealing all your money. The snag is, the vultures will come disguised in smart suits with a pleasant manner. And the strange part is that no matter how many times we try to warn people about the vultures, they still insist in getting robbed. Time after time.

THE one prediction you can confidently make about tomorrow's Budget is that we will never quite see all the extra money we think we're getting. Chancellors tend to put cash in your left pocket while removing it from your right pocket.

ENGLISH as she is spoke. A reader tells me of a trainee care worker from the EU who, having checked with a client the correct English name for the large rodent in the client's back garden, solemnly reported to her boss that she had seen "a ****ingrat."

TERRIFYING, isn't it, to hear so many young people saying they won't vote in the election because they don't support any of the parties and nothing will change anyway? Especially when you suspect they are right.

HE is a huge celebrity. He is very important. He makes a fortune for the BBC. He's got millions of fans. But he's a bit of a character, a bit of a lad, so we have to make allowances for him. And if you, one of the little, unimportant people, complain about him, well, you're just a troublemaker and you probably asked for it anyway. It is good to see some people, at last, noticing the similarities between the Jimmy Savile experience and the Jeremy Clarkson case. The alleged crimes are very different but, even after all this time, the same old BBC mind-set is still there. Celebrities are special, different rules apply and the little people count for nothing. All we need now is the promise of a full and frank inquiry led by a totally fair, unbiased and impartial chairman, who turns out to be The Stig.

COINCIDENTALLY while the Clarkson thing was raging at the weekend, the episode of Dad's Army (BBC2) was the one when Sgt Wilson defends Mrs Pike's reputation by thumping Warden Hodges. As Hodges moans and whimpers, Captain Mainwaring tells him off for "making a fuss over a little tap like that."

AN A&E unit in Essex is issuing patients with cards showing a brief summary of their condition. Not everyone is happy at sitting in the waiting room holding cards marked: "Alcoholic poisoning" or "panic attack." I am reminded of John Cleese as the insensitive Monty Python pharmacist who enters his waiting room with a handful of prescriptions and demands: "Right. Who's got the boil on the bum?"