Time to learn Klingon, earthlings

A READER has a plan to beat Smart TVs which, it was revealed last week, can overhear and transmit our conversations. He suggests we all invest in a Klingon dictionary and use the language of Star Trek to programme our voice-activated tellies. He asks for my opinion. What can I say, except nnfrkyt vlodd tunstein, nanoo?

PEDANT alert. I am fully aware that the above is not real Klingon, thanks.

MORE on the Austrian research showing that dogs recognise human expressions. A reader points out that it would be absolutely bizarre and inexplicable if dogs, having shared our caves, camp fires and central heating for the past few million years, failed to recognise our smiles or show the slightest interest in our moods. How would we distinguish them from cats?

SO let's get this mansion tax straight. Labour's plan seems to involve imposing charges of about £250 a month on anyone with a home worth between £2 million and £3 million. But what if the home owner is an MP ? Will he or she be able to claim back the mansion tax on expenses, as they do with mortgage payments? In other words, will we taxpayers end up paying their mansion taxes?

I ASSUMED Boris Johnson was trying his hand at comedy this week when he penned a stirring column warning that a Labour government would strip Britain's armed forces and leave us defenceless. How can you not respond with a hollow laugh, looking at the wasteland of defence left by this Tory government? Twenty thousand fine British soldiers have been sacked and the Reserves (formerly the TA) are collapsing before our eyes. I remember years ago an old true-blue, Tory-voting artillery major who served through the Second World War and the Cold War telling me sadly: "We always do better under Labour than the Tories." The theory is that when Conservatives get their hands on the armed forces, the bean-counting instinct takes over but when Labour forms a government, the old working-class patriotism kicks in.

SO farewell, Louis Jourdan, the classically handsome French star best known for his starring role in Gigi, who has died aged 93. In case you missed the 1958 musical, Gigi is the charming tale of a little French girl being groomed by her mother to become a courtesan. The child meets Gaston, a bon viveur who tries to make her his mistress. The hit record from the show was Thank Heaven for Little Girls. No, they don't make films like that any more. Not unless they want a visit from social services.

BY now we have probably all seen the images of two thugs punching the air with joy after getting suspended sentences at Teesside Crown Court. Much of the reporting suggested they had appeared remorseful in court, "hoodwinked" the judge and then, having cheated jail, showed their true colours outside. In fact, they had been charged with assault causing actual bodily harm and the truth is that first-time ABH offenders hardly ever go to jail. In this case the judge, far from being hoodwinked, actually convinced them that jail was a possibility and managed to introduce a four-letter f-word into the proceedings - fear. For a few precious moments the system was able to frighten a pair of thugs. Pity it couldn't last.

ED Miliband says the Black Country has nothing to fear from joining a combined council with Birmingham. His spin-doctors have obviously not informed him that the proudest boast of any Blackcountryman is "Ar bay frum bloody Brum." (I am not a resident of Birmingham).