Laughs for questions? It's better than cash for questions

AFTER last week's item about Lidl offending Rudolph lovers by selling reindeer meat for Christmas, the company explains that "it resembles antelope in flavour and texture."

WHICH reminds me of the old story about the hunter charged with shooting and eating a swan. He told the court his gun had gone off unexpectedly and, having slain the swan by pure accident, it seemed wasteful not to eat it. The magistrate, a lover of country sports, said it was a thoroughly reasonable explanation and found him not guilty. "Tell me," said the JP as the acquitted shooter stepped down from the dock, "what does swan taste like?" "Actually," said the defendant, "it's a bit like golden eagle."

IF the Communities Minister Penny Mordaunt made a joke speech, littered with innuendo about cocks and hens, in the Commons as a dare, then it was childish and unparliamentary. On the other hand, it is better than MPs raising issues because a company has offered them a consultancy or some shady character has shoved a brown-paper envelope full of tenners into their pocket. If it's a choice between cash for questions and laughs for questions, let's have the laughs every time.

TALKING of undue influence, I have an interest to declare in the case of the former minister David Mellor (wrongly described as an MP in this column a few days ago) who got into hot water for raging at a London cabbie. I like Mellor. This dates back to the 1992 General Election campaign. Mellor turned up for a press conference with a couple of local newspapers. A TV news crew arrived unannounced and full of their own importance. What normally happens in a situation like this is that the politician's eyes glaze over with telly-bedazzlement and he promptly abandons the press for the chance to get his silly face on that night's TV. Not Mellor. He stuck to his schedule, continued his long chat with us inky hacks and made the TV crew wait. It was the first and last time I ever saw a politician put papers before telly.

THE bald truth. "Waking up to find my hair has grown back." Harry Hill at the weekend, telling of his deepest fears.

GREEN fears. A Daily Telegraph reader is alarmed at plans by biologists to clone mammoths: "This must be of concern to golfers and members of bowling clubs." Now you mention it . . .

A BIT of Elgar, a bit of Mozart, an extract from Yes, Prime Minister, a hymn and a copy of Pride & Prejudice. I don't know much about Theresa May but on Desert Island Discs (Radio 4) the Home Secretary didn't pretend to be anything she wasn't. Nothing from the Arctic Monkeys or UB40, just the comfortable, middle-class music of a comfortable middle-class woman who wants to run the country.

SMART TV reduced (see terms & conditions) from £500 to £150. Terms & conditions: In order to qualify for this offer you will be required to get up at midnight, queue for several hours, fight at least three hoodies and an hysterical woman for possession of the TV and agree to images and videos of your performance being screened with captions such as: "Shopping loonies who shame Britain". Black Friday - don't you love it?

CRIME statistics reveal that 264,000 mobile phones were snatched from their owners in the past 12 months and a further 450,000 were stolen while unattended. Remind me. What did thieves nick before we had mobiles?