Rudolph the smoked, cured reindeer

EVERY article in a newspaper has a catchline to identify it. I have just typed the catchline for this column: "Rhodes Mon Dec 1." Another year has almost vanished. Anyone know where it went?

AS you will have noticed, it's little things that cause huge tremors in politics. The casual use of the word "pleb." The tweeting of a flag-draped house. And now, Alex Salmond wiping away mock tears with a handkerchief-sized England flag. Imagine the fury if English people had celebrated Salmond's defeat in September's referendum by blowing their noses on little Scotland flags. The next few years of Anglo-Scottish relations are going to be quite tricky enough without offensive little incidents like this. The flag stunt will surely come back to haunt Mr Salmond.

DISCUSSING Skint (C4) last week, I described it as "the reality programme that makes Benefits Street look like Monte Carlo . . . a hideously bleak study of the underclass in Grimsby where life revolves around booze, drugs, crime and prostitution." A reader points out that life in Monte Carlo also revolves around booze, drugs, crime and prostitution.

I TOLD the tale of a friend who bought a full-size spare wheel for his car and found there was plenty of room for it in the boot-well where his "space-saver" tyre was stowed. So what space does a space-saver save? A reader writes: "The only reason for the 'space saver' wheel is to create more space in the motor manufacturer's wallets for the money they save not giving you a proper spare wheel." Tsk, such cynicism.

LAST week's item on those terrifying elevators known as paternoster lifts reminded a colleague of an Otis lift which was out of commission for servicing. A sign read: "Miss Otis regrets she's unable to lift today."

FOR the benefit of those of you aged under 80, an old song by Cole Porter goes: "Miss Otis regrets she's unable to lunch today."

I ONCE worked in an office which had a very large lift made by Schindler.

AFTER your tales of insurance to cover covenants, building-regulation issues and the outside chance that a loan from your parents may be the proceeds of money-laundering, here's another contender for the strangest policy sold during the sale of a house. It is known as chancel liability insurance and requires a one-off premium paid by the buyer to cover him, at any time in the future, for an unexpected bill for repairs to the fabric of an unspecified church. A reader tells me his solicitor, at the bidding of the bank and insurers, insisted he paid this premium, even though there was nothing in the property's deeds about a church. Apparently the insurance covers him against claims for repairs to any structure, including unknown structures yet to be uncovered by archaeologists, dating back to the Middle Ages, which may once have been owned by the Church. There is a Bill going through Parliament aimed at scrapping chancel liability but until this ancient nonsense is dealt with, some buyers have no option but to pay up.

WELL, of course the Government has missed its immigration targets by a mile. There are three simple truths. Firstly, half the world is on the move. Secondly, nobody can do a damn thing about it. Thirdly, if you see politicians promising to get a grip on immigration, you can always tell if they are lying, because their lips move.

ANYBODY else spotted the Lidl advert for festive food featuring Deluxe Smoked Cured Reindeer Steak? Steady, Rudolph.