We're all journalists now

THANKS for all your funny epitaphs. I love this, carved into a hefty slab of stone: "This one's on me."

IF we're in for another wet, mild and windy winter, as some pundits are suggesting, then give thanks. A season free of fog, frost, snow and ice means far fewer deaths on the roads. The road-casualty figures for the unusually mild 2013-14 winter have not yet been released but I bet they will be lower than ever. When the climate-change doom mongers warn that global warming will be a catastrophe do they ever take into account the thousands of lives saved by a little extra warmth?

YOU may share my suspicion that delivery men are the font of all knowledge on consumer goods. A couple of Argos lads recently predicted that our new cross-trainer would become a clothes horse within two weeks. A reader relates a tale of another Argos courier a few years ago who delivered her new mountain bike with a cheery "here's something else to gather dust in the garage." Uncanny.

OUR changing language. A football fan tells me of one player's reaction to being selected for the England squad: "It's brilliant but it hasn't really sanked in yet."

THE Culture Secretary Sajid Javid has promised new legal protections for journalists in the promised Bill of Rights. So far, so good. Now, can anyone define what a journalist is? In ye olden days it was simple. We were staff or freelance hacks working for a recognised news organisation. These days anyone with a smartphone and a website can claim to be a journalist. Me? I'm from Bonkers FM Hyperlocal, innit?

IN an interview with the BBC's Nick Robinson, Ed Miliband stressed that he was not going to stand down as leader, deviate from his policies or make any other changes. The BBC website wickedly gave it the headline: "Ed Miliband is Going Nowhere."

IT was George Bernard Shaw who observed: "All professions are conspiracies against the laity," describing how professional people bamboozle and rob the rest of us. Shaw would have instantly recognised the scam recently reported when a woman buying a house with the help of a loan from her mother was ordered by her law firm to pay an extra £150. This, they explained, was an insurance premium, covering her against the risk of her mother going bankrupt and demanding the money back. She was also told that if she mentioned this policy to anyone, it would be invalidated. The whole affair is breathtaking. But it rings a bell. I have a friend who sold a house recently and was ordered to pay £100 for insurance against a future owner of the property having planning issues with the conservatory, which had been built 20 years earlier. It was pure nonsense. The land was owned by the council, the home was a former council house and the council had granted planning permission for the conservatory. There was not a cat in hell's chance of any "issues." But it was a case of pay up or risk losing the sale. What's going on? The cynic in me believes that, because house buying and selling has become so expensive, with thousands doled out on surveys, conveyances, stamp duty and so on, some of the professionals involved have realised they can add on a few quid and no-one will argue.

WHERE will all those ceramic poppies from the Tower of London go? A Daily Telegraph reader says his "will be placed on my father's grave." And promptly nicked, no doubt.