Vote for Nigel

SO Britain gets a grip on public spending, licks its economy into shape and achieves growth. France carries on spending like a shopaholic in Harrods, wrecks its economy and plunges into recession. The European Commission reacts by demanding more than £1,000 million from Britain and giving £800 million to France. Does anyone benefit from such a bonkers system? Mais oui – Nigel Farage.

RAYMOND Blanc complains that some traditional English apples are vanishing because they are not sweet enough for modern tastes. The TV chef is probably right, and what a shame. A few days ago I had a Shakespeare apple and a swan's egg pear, neither of which you will find in the supermarkets. You have to shop around but some growers are still marketing the great tastes of olde England and it's well worth the search.

THE former boss of Rotherham Children's Services has received a £40,000 payoff after resigning in the wake of the child-abuse nightmare. Is anyone surprised? In these cynical times I bet most of us are only puzzled that the sum is so small.

MY mention of the baking-powder submarine, given away with cornflakes in the 1950s, inspires a paeon of praise from a reader with fond memories of the magnetic robot who answered general-knowledge questions, a fretwork kit, a building set with tiny bricks and doors and, of course, Meccano. But the one that sticks in his mind is the Mamod steam engine which encouraged kids to mess around in the living room with matches, methylated spirits and scalding water. It's amazing any of us survived.

THROUGHOUT history, some of the most beautiful engineering creations have been ships. There is something about the fluidity of water that encourages boldly curved prows and sleek, sweeping flanks . And then along comes Oasis of the Seas, the biggest cruise liner in the world. It looks like a social-housing estate with a power station on top. I have seen prettier aircraft carriers. I dare say it is wonderfully luxurious and fabulously functional and if you really wish to cruise the oceans in something that looks like a floating Tower Hamlets, then good luck to you.

THE traditional telephone landline is dead. Or at least it is according to a company which provides internet services without a landline (but only in central London, so don't get over-excited). A survey by the company reveals that one reason for the unpopularity of landline phones is that you have to get up and answer them. That's right. You have to unpeal your lardarse bum from the sofa and walk several feet to pick up the ringing phone. Small wonder that so many Brits have unplugged their old phones and now rely entirely on mobiles. With your TV remote control in one hand and your mobile in the other, there is no reason why you shouldn't stay slumped in your favourite chair and glued to the telly for the entire evening. Apart, that is, from the obvious problem. So how long before the DIY home catheter arrives?

INCIDENTALLY, try telling the kids that you once had to walk to the telly in order to push a button and change channels. They will not believe you.

IN the meantime, the Government explains that its plans for the NHS will include self-help by people stopping smoking, drinking and taking exercise to avoid getting obese. The details, in an official leaflet, will probably drop through your letterbox before long. Which means dragging yourself off the sofa and all the way to the front door to get it. Life is so hard.