The toothache war

OUR changing language. David Rothery, an open University professor, says we should not criticise India's space shot to Mars because "a space programme can bootstrap the country's technology." Quite so. Anyone who disagrees should be jockstrapped.

THERE was a curious turn of phrase, too, in one of the weekend film reviews where the critic wrote of The Spy Who Loved Me: "The whole package is incredibly cheesy … in terms of its hammy plot."

EVEN after the excitement of the Ryder Cup, I still don't get golf. In every other ball game, someone is actively trying, by using tackles, rackets, bats or goalkeeping, to prevent you from putting the ball where you wish. In golf, you have a totally free run at the hole. There is nothing and nobody to stop you picking up the ball, carrying it 300 yards and putting it neatly in the hole. Instead, people become multi millionaires for doing it the hard way. If golf were invented today and the creator took it to Dragon's Den, showing off his curious clubs and hard little balls, would anyone invest a penny?

NO-ONE seems to have commented on the most significant aspect of David Cameron's claim that the Queen "purred" down the phone when he told her the result of the Scottish referendum. That arch conspiracy theorist David Icke has been telling us for years that the Windsors, and other world leaders, are not entirely human. They are actually a race of blood-drinking reptiles capable of changing their appearance at will. Cameron's disclosure about purring suggests that Her Majesty is not a gore-slurping shape-shifting lizard, after all. She is a cat. Suddenly, it all makes sense. Her fascination with bloodsports. Her taste for game birds. All those staff opening and closing doors for her.

UNTIL now I tended to agree with the argument that you can't bomb guerillas into submission. But the US-led air war on Islamic State is not the usual shock-and-awe extravaganza. It is the steady, day-by-day destruction of a column here, an artillery piece there. It is the military equivalent of toothache, a constant, draining pain gradually wearing down your courage and your resistance. Before long, every IS jihadi knows someone who has gone out on a patrol and not returned. And while martyrdom may be a wonderful ideal, it's not so wonderful when it comes by Paveway bombs dropped from six miles high and you have absolutely no way of fighting back. No wonder some British IS fighters are fed up and want to come home. If the Yanks don't get them the hardline IS leadership may decide all Western volunteers are potential deserters or traitors, and deal with them in the usual manner. Caught between a Paveway and the beheading knife. Oh, what an unlovely war.

A READER writes: "If I give £2 a month, Oxfam can supply an entire African village with water. So why is my latest water bill £175?"

RECKLESS? In what parallel universe of idiocy did a selection committee think it would be a good idea to have an MP with that surname? What portfolio might the rising young parliamentarian be given? Mr Reckless the sex-education tsar? Mr Reckless the minister for detecting landmines? Mr Reckless the road-safety secretary? As a golden rule, political parties should avoid anyone with a name that seems to have come straight out of The Pickwick Papers. Sorry, but I'm afraid we'll have to turn you down, Mr Blitheringprat. And the same goes for you Mr Whopperteller , Miss Handintill and Mr Flashtodger.