How not to whistle

A READER writes, pointing out that while there is much coverage of bucket lists – things to do before you die – his own invention has barely had a mention. He calls it the hole-in-the-bucket list. Intriguing.

TURNS out that a hole-in-the-bucket list is a compilation of things you have decided to avoid at all costs. The reader tells me his list so far includes Ryanair, Starbucks, Harry Potter, BMWs, bungee jumping, eating tripe, watching American football or basketball, having a Facebook account, tattoo or body piercing and anything involving The X Factor. Any additions gratefully received.

SO just supposing the armed forces of the West roared into northern Iraq, all guns blazing, scattered the religious maniacs, scooped up thousands of terrified Christians and Kurds and resettled them in a place of safety. Would that make us heroic rescuers? Or would we merely be collaborators in ethnic cleansing?

HOW odd that Lauren Bacall is remembered for a great movie line which doesn't stand up to a moment's examination. In the 1944 film To Have and Have Not, Bacall simmers at Steve (Humphrey Bogart): "You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve? You just put your lips together and blow." If you follow her advice your ears will pop and you'll faint.

VERILY, the Bible-basher I mentioned a few days ago has been back at me, insisting that the Book of Zechariah, written 2,600 years ago, is an accurate prophecy of events about to unfold in the Middle East. I spent a few minutes consulting ye olde prophecy and discovered it was mostly about wailing, mourning and much smiting of horses. If Zechariah contained the hitherto-unexplained word "Kalashnikov," I would be mightily impressed, and worried.

A READER challenges me to prove my assertion that media coverage in Gaza is closely overseen by Hamas. I can only refer him to a mass of evidence online. For starters, the Foreign Press Association issued a statement last week which reads: "The FPA protests in the strongest terms the blatant, incessant, forceful and unorthodox methods employed by the Hamas authorities and their representatives against visiting international journalists in Gaza over the past month." What you see from Gaza is what Hamas wants you to see. The curious part is that the broadcasters do not make it clear that they are reporting under such conditions.

NOURI al Maliki, the disastrous prime minister of Iraq, has finally stood down. The BBC reports that for some time "the writing was clearly on the wall." Pardon my cynicism but I bet the writing that made him quit was actually on a very large cheque.

MEANWHILE, my friend's endless encounter with solicitors as he attempts to sell his house goes from bad to worse. I comforted him with the fact that he is not alone. I found 1,290 instances of the phrase "solicitors are useless" online. This finding was somewhat dimmed by the discovery of 5,450 uses of the phrase "journalists are useless."

BEWARE the return of an old but particularly nasty scam. It is a text message claiming that your monthly TV licence payment is overdue and you must transfer a sum, usually between £15 and £30, by debit or credit card. After a spate of these demands three years ago Nottinghamshire Police issued a warning: "You are advised not to reply to the text message or call the number as there may be a charge for your reply. We would suggest ignoring the message and removing it from your mobile phone." Mind how you go.