Turning frogs into princes

OUR changing language. The new Common Agricultural Policy which is claimed to protect wildlife but doesn't make a scrap of difference is known as a greenwash.

WELL done, Craig Birchell of Scunthorpe, who has set a new angling record. If you have a mental image of Craig wrestling some slippery, snappy 20-stone leviathan on to his knee for the photo, think again. Craig caught a three-spined stickleback. It was less than 3ins long and weighed just 12 grams but is probably the biggest ever caught in Britain. What's more, Craig sportingly put it back in the lake near his home. By the time it is landed again it may be more than three inches. Have the champagne ready.

TALKING of fishing, our annual trip to Beer, Devon, looms and Mrs Rhodes has already endangered things by announcing she's found a great recipe for mackerel and gooseberries. A golden rule of fishing is that you must never assume success. Nothing offends the gods of angling quite like counting your mackerel before they're landed. The gooseberries may have scuppered me. That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it.

BRITAIN'S best-known atheist Richard Dawkins says fairy stories can be harmful because they fill young minds with ideas of the supernatural. He told Cheltenham Science Festival: "There is a very interesting reason why a prince could not turn into a frog; it's statistically too improbable." And yet Dawkins is a passionate advocate of evolution which tells us, with absolute certainty, that all humans (including paupers and princes) evolved from amphibians. So frogs can turn into princes but princes cannot turn into frogs. Got that, kids?

SO what is the big secret? What is the issue so crucially important to national security that a top judge has ruled a terrorist trial should be held entirely in secret? We do not know. But secrecy always breeds speculation. So let me speculate wildly. I have always been dubious about the terrorist "plots" repeatedly "foiled" by our security services. Our criminal-justice system is rubbish at bringing burglars and robbers to justice, yet when it comes to terrorist plots, we are told the security services foil them time after time. Isn't it all too good to be true? So might it be possible that some of these "plots" are not quite what they seem but are infiltrated and "foiled," usually in the nick of time, by our own spooks acting as agents provocateurs? A number of low-grade loonies are put behind bars. Politicians look good. The public is reassured. Everyone is happy. And all goes well until one day along comes a court case which threatens to expose the whole plot-foiling process. Wouldn't the Establishment do everything possible to keep that quiet? Like I said, only wild speculation.

WE may be frightened and outraged at the idea of state security services monitoring us 24/7. But once you get the technology, the temptation to spy on other people and track their every movement is irresistible – even if you're an organisation as warm and cuddly as the National Trust. We joined last week. A couple of days later this email arrived: "National Trust visitor survey: Thanks for visiting us recently at Charlecote Park on the 3-Jun-14." Slightly spooky.

CADBURY has signed a calorie-reduction pledge. By the end of next year it will not sell any chocolate bars containing more than 250 calories. The 400-calorie bumper Dairy Milk will vanish. In theory, chocaholics will accept a reduction of 400 to 250 calories. Or will they just buy two bars instead?