Best of Peter Rhodes - May 24

THERE may be no great global conspiracy behind the Woolwich murder. Knife-wielding maniacs who think they hear the voice of God were with us long before al Qaeda came along. Some psychopaths have a compulsion to kill. Religion gives them an excuse.

THIS week the FTSE index has been at a dizzying 6700-plus. This is about the level at which we ordinary folk begin to shift our savings out of borin' old building societies and into some exciting new Stock Market-linked scheme with a glossy brochure. However, this is the month when professional investors, who have been busy buying stock and pushing the FTSE up, are tempted by the old maxim: "Sell in May and go away." And if they decide to take their enormous profits and run, you could be left with your glossy brochure and not much else.

I REFERRED a few days ago to news reports on the acute shortage of toilet paper in Venezuela. A reader writes: "No loo rolls in Venezuela? They must be going Caracas."

ANOTHER reader writes to tell me the finest oven-proof glassware comes from Jamaica and is known as the Pyrex of the Caribbean.

AND just to get all the nonsense out of the way in one go, yet another reader reports seeing his GP and having the following conversation. "Doctor, I think I'm losing my hearing." "Really, what are the symptoms?" "They're an American cartoon family."

THE above item is, of course, entirely fictional. When did anyone last get to see their doctor?

THIS week's sad report on the decline of British wildlife reminds me of one of the most memorable assignments I ever had, 10 years ago on the Scottish island of Benbecula. Hedgehogs, introduced in the 1970s, were eating the eggs of sea birds and a cull had been ordered to rid the island of this "alien" species. Before the cull began, conservationists were busy trapping the creatures and shipping them to the British mainland where they would be released into safe areas. Sadly, those hedgehogs and their descendants, assuming they bred, may well be dead. The report, by 25 wildlife organisations, shows the UK hedgehog population has dropped by one-third in the past decade. Historians may well wonder why the experts, blessed with a thriving colony of these endearing little mammals on Benbecula, decided that birds were more important and eradicated it.

THE nanny state strikes again. I bought a pork pie whose wrapper declares sternly: "This pie contains two portions." Let me be the judge of that, Nanny. (Turned out to be one portion, after all).

DAVID Cameron believes his Bill legalising gay marriage will win votes for the Conservatives. So why was the Bill eagerly supported by Labour?

IF THE Bill goes to schedule, this time next year the first gay couples will be married. Or will they? Many years ago I covered a bigamy trial. The bigamist sat miserably in the dock and the lady who genuinely believed she was his wife sat in the gallery. She bore it well until the prosecuting barrister, giving the details of the case, described how the defendant, already married to one woman, went through "a form of marriage" with the lady in the gallery. And as that phrase was spoken, she burst into tears. It is not enough to think you are married if the rest of society regards the union as only "a form of marriage." When it comes to gay marriage, whatever the law may say, there are millions of Christians, Muslims, orthodox Jews and plain old-fashioned traditionalists who will never accept that any union other than between a man and a woman is a proper marriage. They will regard gay unions as "a form of marriage." This is bound to cause offence to married gay people, so what's to be done? Here is my unhappy prediction. Within a few years of gay marriage becoming legal, another law will be passed in England making gay-marriage denial a hate crime. And people who call themselves liberal, and spout fine words about freedom of speech, will cheer it.

BEFORE the gay-marriage bill has even reached the Lords, pressure is today growing to legalise humanist weddings. The druids, pagans, satanists and Jedi knights will be watching with interest.

WE MOAN about a chilly May. We should look across the Atlantic to the shattered remains of Moore, Oklahoma, torn to shreds by a massive tornado, and give thanks that we have nothing worse to complain about than clouds and showers.

THERE is only one lesson to draw from the abject Eurovision failures of Engelbert Humperdinck (75) and Bonnie Tyler (61). We are clearly not choosing singers who are old enough. Vera Lynn (96), your nation needs you.