Mark Andrews: Never mind Blue Monday, we've got to get through another two months of this

All set for the big party then?

I got my preparations in early, thought it wise not to leave it until the last minute. Work began installing the bandstand in the garden just before Christmas, while the Village People tribute band was booked back in November. Best not to wait until they have all been booked up.

The dubious stand-up comedy acts proved a bit more difficult to find, I suppose the decline of the working men's club circuit means that sort of humour has fallen out of fashion. I couldn't find a Californian tech billionaire with a salty line in conspiracy theories either, but I'm pretty pleased with the cheerleaders and military band, even if they were a bit pricey. And the good news is I didn't have to pay anything for the star-spangled bunting and the Maga hats, as I had thousands left over from last time.

Ok, I may have made some of that up. Well all of it, if I'm going to be completely honest with you. But given that I'm now bracing myself for what is supposed to be the most miserable day of the year, I thought it would be good to bring a bit of madcap surrealism to the proceedings.

It is just a happy coincidence that Donald Trump's second inauguration falls on Blue Monday, the day when we are supposed to be at our lowest ebb. It's all nonsense, of course - just a tacky publicity stunt dreamt up by a long-defunct holiday television channel - but let's be honest, things are feeling a little gloomy at the moment, aren't they?

I suppose it doesn't help that the news is so dispiriting at the moment. War in Ukraine, fighting in Gaza, China flexing its muscles. Rising food prices, expensive energy bills, there doesn't appear to be a great deal of cheer about, does there? 

Then there's the winter bugs. I developed mine the weekend before Christmas, and I'm still struggling to shake it off a month later. Banks's cask mild has gone out of production, two micropubs have closed in the past week, and Cannock's Prince of Wales Theatre is on the brink of closure too.

But above all, I think it's the weather. 

I know there are 'winter people', those who dream of a white Christmas, they love the sight of frost and snow. You see them outside in their bobble hats, ruddy cheeks, building snowmen with the kids. For them it's all one great adventure. There are also  'morning people', those who are always up before daybreak, full of beans, and don't they half like to tell you about it. Unfortunately, I fit into neither category, and the thought of waking up on a cold, dark morning, scraping the frost of the car, and negotiating the icy roads fills me with dread.

As I write this, the morning's hard frost has made way for a miserable fog, while the wind whistles ferociously around the windows of our office in the sky. You half expect to see Ted Moult walk into the room, dropping a feather on the windowsill. And if you don't know what I'm talking about, look on Google.

Trying to be positive, at least the snow, thick ice and arctic temperatures of the previous week have now subsided, to the point where it is now merely cold and miserable, rather than brass monkey miserable. There is even the occasional sunny interval, so I'm told. Respite of sorts, I suppose, but only in the way that Sid James in Carry On Again Doctor looked forward to the start of the hurricane season, because it meant his island's nine-month downpour had come to an end.

And of course, nobody can afford to put the heating on because of the above mentioned rise in energy costs, caused by the above-mentioned war in Ukraine. 

I did try a search of the worldwide web for reasons to be cheerful,  but to be honest it wasn't especially fruitful. One website told me to think about animals on sledges, but that didn't really do the trick. Another suggested booking a spa treatment, something that I find marginally less appealing than binge-watching the House of Commons live.

So having drawn a blank on t'internet, I've come up with a few suggestions of my own. I hope you find them helpful and uplifting:

1. Noel Edmonds is no longer on television.

2. We can now get back to watching News at Ten at 10pm, without it being delayed for I'm a Celebrity.

3. The grass does not need cutting.

4. We've got a legitimate reason for not cleaning the car.

5. All the Midland Manchester United fans who justify their allegiance through a tenuous link to the north-west have piped down a bit lately.

6. There are only two more months of this to go. 

Skibbidy, as us cool blades are wont to say. Now about that party....