Mark Andrews: 'I recommend' you don't take any nonsense if they want to fit a smart meter

I'm pretty well resigned these days to the fact that officialdom screws up everything it touches.

I take it for granted that bureaucrats no longer answer the phone, that's if you can even find a phone number in the first place. We all know 'send us an email' is a euphemism for kicking a problem into the long grass. And that asking the name of the person who is fobbing you off is now, if not a full-blown hate crime, then certainly an invasion of their privacy which is detrimental to their mental health.

So when somebody came round to install 'smart meters' in my home, I was half expecting something would go wrong.

But it was the patronising language that turned my blood into steam.

To rewind a little bit, back in May I received a text message asking me when it would be convenient for somebody to come round to change the meters.

I was a bit surprised, given they did this less than 10 years ago, but I've since discovered that a lot of duff meters were fitted around that time, which is probably why they need replacing.

Anyhow, being a placid sort of guy, I went along with it, and chose one of the timeslots on offer. And was promptly told it was not available.

A couple of months later, another text came, once more asking me to set up an appointment. Again I chose from the options given, but this time there was no response. Concerned that I would need to be at home, I contacted them once more, and again no response. Assuming they would not show up, I went to work as normal.

Eventually a new date was set, and this time a very pleasant man turned up and did the job.

Well sort of.

As he explained how he had fitted both meters, that they were both working correctly, and that my gas and electricity supply had been reconnected, I just knew there was a 'but' coming. And it was a quite a big 'but'. He couldn't relight my boiler, because he wasn't authorised to take the front of it. So

"It's a common thing with the older boilers," he told me.

So what happens now?

And that's when he delivered the killer line.

"We recommend you call out a qualified heating engineer."

Suddenly, my blood pressure went through the roof.

"We recommend..."? Listen pal, I wasn't seeking your advice. I want to know what are you going to do to clear up the mess that you caused when you came into my house at your own request.

Of course I didn't say that. The poor lad was only carrying out his employer's instructions, and I suspect 'we recommend' comes from one of those inane 'how to patronise your customers' training courses he had been forced to attend. It's the same as those websites which suggest 'recommended cookies' to get access to your personal data.

The upshot is, that when I raised a formal complaint, it was indicated that if I supplied an invoice for the cost of calling somebody out to relight my boiler, they would consider reimbursing the cost. The first invoice was rejected on the grounds that the engineer's handwriting wasn't clear enough, the second on the grounds it wasn't specific enough. I'm quietly confident the third one will cut the mustard – unless they don't like the typeface or something – which is why I've refrained from naming the energy supplier. For the time being.

In the meantime, since giving advice is all the rage, here is my two penn'orth.

I recommend if your energy provider starts hassling you about fitting a 'smart meter', insist on a written guarantee that they will leave your house in the state they find it, and send somebody along who is qualified to relight it.

And if they don't agree to that, I recommend that you them you will continue quite happily with your old-fashioned, not-very-smart meter.

It will probably save you a whole load of time and hassle.