Mark Andrews – Bibby Stockholm, Just Stop Oil jail sentences, and why do I need a smart meter?

Which is great news for seedy hotel proprietors, but probably not so good for the rest of us.

Just an idea, but before she gets rid completely, has new Home Secretary Yvette Cooper considered using it to hold some of the jailbirds she is about to unleash on the general public?

I realise there will howls of protest putting criminals in the same accommodation as asylum seekers, but I suspect it is not that much softer than the average open prison. And it is certainly better than having them free to roam the community.

And more than that, if they put it out to sea, it might actually stop them from absconding.

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The lengthy jail sentences handed to five Just Stop Oil ring-leaders are 'not acceptable in a democracy', says Michel Forst, the United Nations' 'special rapporteur for environmental defenders.'

First of all, where do you get a job like that, and how do you apply? Can you pick your own area of interest? I quite fancy being the UN's 'special rapporteur for beer and football' if there's a gig going. Or fine wines and high-performance cars, particularly if there's a few freebies thrown in.

More seriously, what other option was there but to send Roger Hallam and his cronies away for a few years? They made it clear that they would carry on causing mayhem as long as they were at large.

These people are so certain of their wisdom and moral rectitude that they will never stop until democratic politicians abandon the manifestos on which they were elected, and bend the knee to every one of their fanatical demands.

Which I would suggest is 'not acceptable in a democracy' either.

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Chaos on the railways, a two-hour delay to a football match which is marred not only by a pitch invasion, but also by a hotly contested VAR decision. And a big row about pollution in the rivers.

And best of all, for once it's not us, but the French. Enjoy the Olympics.

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On May 15 I received a text message from my energy supplier, offering a choice of timeslots to have a smart meter fitted. I promptly replied 'Friday PM', only to be told that slot was not available.

Last week I received another text, and I again selected 'Friday PM' from the options. This time there was no reply. Unsure of whether I would need to spend the afternoon at home or not, I sent another text, and still received no confirmation.

"It's always better to ring us," said a very helpful lady when I finally got in touch by telephone, hinting that the text service was not all it might have been.

After 10 minutes on the phone answering various nonsensical questions, the line went dead. Leaving me to make a fourth attempt.

Anyway, fourth time lucky, the appointment is now booked. The one thing nobody has told me, though, is what's in it for me?