Mark Andrews: The not-so-thin blue line, and don't mention the homeless

According to the London tabloids, our new King 'will be coronated on June 3'.

Coronated? What century are they in? The word is 'crowned'.

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Police forces in England and Wales will now attend every domestic burglary following an intervention from the new Home Secretary.

Jolly decent of them, don't you think? I hope it proves more effective than when I received a visit after my car was keyed about 10 years ago.

First, the officer tried to persuade me it might have been a road accident rather than vandalism. When I suggested it would be a very strange accident that carved deep scratches into four separate panels, he reluctantly recorded it as a crime.

Next day, a scene-of-crime officer turned up, took some more details, and confided there was no chance of catching anyone.

"It's more about public reassurance," he said. Which reassured me no end.

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At least police in Surrey take a no-nonsense approach to serious crime, as demonstrated by the robust way they dealt with priest's wife Caroline Farrow.

Officers forcibly entered her home, body-searched her, seized her electronic devices, arrested her, searched her again for drugs, and detained her for several hours at Guildford police station. She says they also raided the church office.

And the alleged crime? Taking part in 'a Twitter spat about gender issues'.

Now, I'm sure little good comes of debating 'gender issues' on Twitter, and there are two sides to every story. But which would you prefer the Old Bill to focus its resources on – solving 100 incidents of internet pronoun-crime, or getting just one burglar or vandal banged up?

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Meanwhile, West Midlands Police has ordered 1,850 pairs of extra-large trousers, with 40-52in waists. So much for the thin blue line.

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The Local Government Association has got rid of homelessness.

You might question that, judging by the number of people sleeping in shop doorways. But it has done so by telling local authorities to desist from using the word 'homeless'.

Councils are also urged to drop the phrase 'ladies and gentlemen', lest it offends those who are neither. 'Expat', 'deprived neighbourhoods', 'lifestyle choice', 'low-skilled worker' and 'economic migrant', are all frowned upon, while 'mum' should be replaced by 'birthing parent'.

The LGA says the advice is about 'embedding equality, equity, diversity and inclusion', in its 18-page Guide to Inclusive Language.

Which seems a bit odd. Because that sort of language doesn't seem very inclusive to me. In fact, I would say it is pretty much exclusive to wonks and weirdos.