'I see a Tory Party delighted to be in a state of chaos' - Toby Neal column

There is a sense of liberation. No longer are they spearcarriers and apologists for "14 years of Tory chaos."

They have been freed from the burdens of office to wallow in nearly 14 weeks of Labour chaos, with rioting on the streets, prisoners released early, donorgate, a stagnant economy, an unpopular Chancellor – she hasn't even set a Budget yet – and MPs with furrowed brows on the government back benches.

Yes, the good news just keeps on coming when you're in opposition.

And really it doesn't matter who leads the party as he or she is only going to be a placeholder. There again, that's what Sir Keir Starmer seemed to be after he succeeded Jeremy Corbyn.

Nevertheless, we have to be guided by evidence and past performance, and based on the average tenure of recent Tory leaders there will be plenty of time to try out several before the next general election.

The candidates to replace Rishi Sunak have been setting out their stalls.

The four left standing in the leadership selection process can be divided into two groups, depending on how they rate on the foot-in-mouth meter, and how acceptable they are to the BBC and the Guardian.

In the first group we have Robert Jenrick and Kemi Badenoch.

Our Robert, as we should call him, introduced himself to party members in Birmingham with: "It's great to be home."

He went on: "I'm a Midlands man. I grew up just down the road in Wolverhampton."

Conference was not impressed. Somebody tried to clap. Perhaps that was a relative, because the main reaction was laughter.

They were, I imagine, not laughing at Wolverhampton, but laughing at Mr Jenrick for clumsily trying to play a "local lad" card to curry favour as he opened his pitch.

According to our files Mr Jenrick also has allegiance to Shifnal and Ludlow, and did work experience at the Express & Star in the late 1990s.

Well, fancy that. One Boris Johnson also worked for a time in this parish. Golly, even Jeremy Corbyn was briefly a reporter on the Newport Advertiser.

The lesson is clear – work for us, and we'll land you a place as a party leader.

Kemi Badenoch is already being nicknamed Kemi-kaze, so that tells you all you need to know about her chances.

In the second group – this is the one the Beeb and Guardian might grudgingly tolerate – are James Cleverly, who looks and sounds more like Nick Knowles the more I see and hear of him, and Tom Tugendhat, who does not come across as somebody who would liven up a party (political or otherwise) and who may have mentioned once or twice that he is ex-military.

That's nothing. Doesn't he know that Sir Keir Starmer is the son of a toolmaker?

While Robert and Kemi look like excitable young pups, James and Tom are examples of what some commentators like to call the adults in the room.

That means steady and rather dull, which may be what the Tories decide they need.

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A attacks B.

B retaliates against A. C retaliates against B for retaliating against A at which B retaliates against C. D retaliates against B for retaliating against C, so B retaliates against D and also, for good measure, E, for its support for C. E retaliates against B so B retaliates against E. F and G support the retaliation. E retaliates against B for its retaliation.

To be continued...

While this alphabet soup on the march to World War Three brews, it brings with it a new reality in the framing of defence policies. In the modern world, it makes sense to get in your retaliation first.

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Here's a quote for the benefit of readers who have hit 70. It comes from Arthur Keily, a runner who was still racing in old age.

"The keynote of life is growth, not ageing. Life does not grow old. The life that flows through us at 70 is the same that energised us in infancy. So-called age is the deterioration of enthusiasm, faith to live, and will to progress.”