Political column – March 7

This is not family entertainment and should only be viewed after the watershed, preferably after having had a stiff drink.

Presented by Andrew Neil, the wacky format invites the watching British public to put all the clues together to discover who is lurking behind the mask.

And it's going to be tough, as you can tell from the preview of the line-up for the first of this series. Can you guess who is behind the mask?

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MONSTER

This grisly beast may not stand tall but she packs a big punch, spreading fear and loathing among those who have the misfortune to cross her path.

Once she was dismissed as an incompetent and harmless lightweight. All that has now changed. Yes, she has been revealed as very harmful, especially to middle-aged white males.

Her lair is at Mash 'em Street in Westminster and her diet is believed to consist largely of defenceless civil servants.

Song choice is Priti Woman.

Has a track record of not sticking around for very long, so on past form Monster will be one of the first to be voted off.

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BEARD

The CND badge on his jacket is one clue but you'll have to be quick to identify this contestant, because the only song you will hear now is a swansong.

Don't expect a performance to cheer you up. If you think things are bad, once you've heard Beard you'll realise that things are far worse than you thought and are only going to go downhill.

The good news is that Beard has a strong following, the bad news is that it is a strong following from people who are deaf to the music ordinary people want to hear.

Song choice: Red Red Whine.

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BUFFOON

Song choice is still to be announced, but you can be assured that the lyrics will be drawn from some of the Classics.

Buffoon brings a level of showmanship to the competition that is simply unbelievable. There's a clue to his identity in that in recent weeks he has proven pathologically afraid of water.

Should win if all his children vote for him.

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CONTAGION

Can you recognise this politician behind the white face mask?

You'll be wanting to wash your hands of him if you do. Thrust into the spotlight by recent events, you'd think the huge queues he is responsible for are an indication of popularity, although that isn't exactly the case.

You'll be waiting four hours if you're lucky and on target, but don't be surprised if you're stuck for eight or nine hours.

Whether or not he wins the singing contest, you can count on seeing him again and again in coming weeks.

Song choice: Patience.

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BERK

Loud, arrogant, and self-regarding, nobody is sure why Berk has entered, apart from it being a chance to strut his stuff again after the end of his run at the Westminster Theatre.

Song choice: Listen To My Voice.

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CHAMELEON

Bland, middle of the road, and trying to bring people together, he's hoping that his key role in promoting A Song For Europe, which didn't go down well at the end of last year, will be overlooked.

Don't expect anything edgy. Chameleon is the epitome of safe. He's the cabaret contestant, the cruise ship contestant, looking to create a warm fuzzy feeling which will take you back to, say, 1997.

Song choice: Clot of Many Colours.

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THE KING

All the way from America, here's the self-declared greatest contestant on the show, or that the show will ever have in its entire history, and more intelligent too, and if anybody says any different, that's fake news.

Brash and discordant, he makes Elvis sound like, well, Elvis. But he's just like Elvis in one respect – he dyes his hair.

Song choice: Another Brick In The Wall,

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THE INVISIBLE MAN/WOMAN

Smoking dope, as he/she thinks it should be legalised, any vote to ensure the exit of this contestant will have to be confirmed by a second vote once the issues have been explained, speaking slowly and clearly so that the voters understand.

Very unlikely to be recognised. Might even be ignored completely.

Song choice: How Can I Lib Without You?

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SEA CREATURE

From the depths of up north, she will divide opinions. For some she will be caviar, to others she will be fish eggs.

Not likely to do well, as after a while it becomes tiresome to listen to her.

Song choice: State of Independence.

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MEKON MAN

Exerts a strange and hypnotic influence over some of the other contestants. Indeed, he's the one who calls the tune.

Where's he come from? Little heard of until around the middle of last year, there is a theory that he is a visitor from outer space with unusual powers.

Song choice: Puppet on a String.