Columnist and trained counsellor Fiona Caine answers another set of common dilemmas

I’ve had tinnitus for years. For the most part, it’s not been a problem, just a high-pitched buzz that seemed worse at night, probably because I was being quiet as I tried to get to ready for bed. I could usually get to sleep ok – it was annoying sometimes but didn’t worry me. I just accepted that, for me, it was a normal thing.

Over the past few months though, it’s got much worse. Whereas before it was just on one pitch, now it jumps all over the place like an electronic wail. Sometimes it’s like a low whistle, at other times a high pitch buzz. It’s become impossible to sleep properly and I am getting more and more tired and irritable.

I had a phone consultation with my GP, who basically said that this kind of change in tinnitus probably meant I am going deaf and referred me to an Ear Nose and Throat consultant.

I can’t concentrate on anything, and I am struggling at work. My boss knows about it and has been understanding but she still expects me to meet my obligations. My husband hasn’t been much help either. He even said on one occasion that I am making a fuss about nothing and I should ‘just chill’. What can I do?

I. B.

Fiona says: Find ways to de-stress

Your husband’s comment was insensitive. However, he might just have half a point about the tinnitus! The exact cause of tinnitus is unknown, but there does seem to be an association with stress and anxiety. So, if you could find ways to help you relax, it may be beneficial – and would help you cope with the worry until your referral comes through.

Other possible factors are Ménière’s disease, certain medical conditions like diabetes, certain medications, depression, and of course some form of hearing loss. That’s probably why your GP has referred you to an ENT consultant.

Please note however, these are just associations – there’s no evidence that they are definitely the cause of tinnitus.

Unfortunately, there’s no known cure for it and it has an annoying habit of just coming and going for no apparent reason, as I know all too well having lived with it myself for several years. However, there are things you can do to help you cope better. The first of these must be to improve your sleep, as this is critical to health in so many ways. There’s plenty of material on the internet about establishing a good sleep routine.

I suggest you also start with Tinnitus UK (tinnitus.org.uk), which has a very useful section on tinnitus and sleep disturbance.

You could try yoga, meditation or perhaps just a gentle walk – anything that helps you to relax more.

Should I move away from fighting parents?

I am 22 and live at home with my parents. They’ve always seemed to get along well, but something changed about three months ago and now they don’t stop arguing.

I have no idea what started this, and when I asked my mother what was going on, she said to speak to my father. I did, and all I got back from him was speak to mother.

I’ve repeatedly tried to find out what’s going on, but they won’t tell me. Meanwhile, they’ve started sleeping in separate rooms, and swear and scream at each other whenever they meet in the house. After one nasty row last week, my mother packed a bag and disappeared for two days. It was at this point that I started to think maybe she’d had an affair. She came back but again refused to tell me why she had left, nor what brought her back.

Peace lasted about a day and then the arguments and swearing started up again. I don’t know what it’s doing to them, but I am pretty sure it’s getting to me now. Neither of them seems willing to talk to me about what’s going on.

Could they be arguing about me? I can’t cope with for much longer and think it’s time I found a place of my own. Would it be so wrong to just leave them to it?

K. H.

Fiona says: Tell them how you feel

I wouldn’t blame you. You’ve tried to help repeatedly and been rebuffed every time, and by both parents. Given this, please don’t blame yourself, as this is clearly not your fault.

Your parents have trapped themselves in a vicious cycle of angry arguments over something that they refuse to share with you. This suggests to me it’s probably something they are embarrassed about and want to keep secret.

All this has done is made your life a misery too. What they need now is professional help from a trained relationship counsellor or mediator. I suggest you give them the Relate details and tell them just how upset and unhappy you are by the constant arguing. Hopefully, this may shock them into realising that if they don’t seek help, it is not just their marriage that’s at risk – they risk alienating you.

Is it fair to make kids move house?

My husband walked out on me earlier this year, leaving me with two children.

It’s been a struggle meeting all the bills and the rent. It’s not made any easier by his family, who all live nearby, as hardly a day goes by without snide, nasty remarks.

I’ve had lots of dreams about making a fresh start somewhere far away at the other end of the country. The problem is, my children are settled at the local school and all their friends live around here. I know it would be wrench for them, but I really want to get out of here, I feel trapped and alone. Would it be so bad?

A. F.

Fiona says: Have you considered a less drastic move?

Children are tougher and more adaptable than we give them credit for. Were you to move to the other end of the country, I am sure they would be unhappy about losing contact with their friends, although I am also sure they would adapt in time. A fresh start after a separation is no bad thing – but why does it have to take you so far away from what you know? Why the other end of the country?

Could you not move to a different area in your town, somewhere more central perhaps with access to better public transport? Finding somewhere to live would be easier, and it would also give you more options for work and a new social life.

Don’t know how to deal with cancer diagnosis

I have just found out that I have breast cancer, and I’m not coping. I’m terrified of what is going to happen and it’s keeping me awake at night. I haven’t told anyone yet, not even my husband, though I’m sure he suspects something is wrong.

The fact is, I just don’t know how to tell my family or my friends. The consultant who gave me the diagnosis and laid out a treatment plan was sympathetic but was clearly rushed off his feet, so I had no time to discuss these issues with him. I feel like the world is closing in around me and I don’t know what to do for the best.

G. J.

Fiona says: You don’t have to do this alone

Getting any serious health diagnosis, particularly cancer, is always a shock to the system. For many, it’s a time of confusion, uncertainty, and fear.

On a positive note, people these days are often cured of cancer, or can live with it for years. That’s not to say it isn’t still a terrifying thing to go through. As a first step, please contact Macmillan Cancer Support (macmillan.org.uk) to talk about your diagnosis. They operate a free phone helpline.