Columnist and trained counsellor Fiona Caine answers another set of common dilemmas

I live with a man I love deeply. He is a good father to our daughter, almost one, and I’m expecting our second child next year.

I have always worked hard at getting on with his mother, who can be difficult, but things changed for the worse after our daughter was born. She started visiting almost every day and became very possessive of our daughter.

Everything we say to this woman gets ignored and she’s always giving me unwanted parenting advice that seemed decades out of touch to me.

The stress finally got to me a while back, and I burst into tears to my partner. He talked with her the following day and I assumed they’d set some boundaries and we could move on. I suppose I expected her to then apologise. But after a week of hearing nothing, I reached out to say it wasn’t personal and we were just concerned for our daughter. I asked if we could just put this behind us, but she ignored me for three months. My partner has continued to visit her, with our daughter.

I know this made things awkward for him, so I reached out again only to be told that she felt she’d been ‘kicked in the stomach’ and would just ‘stay away because whatever I do will be wrong’. The stress is starting to affect my relationship with my partner and I’m worried about my pregnancy. My partner says he has explained things to his mother but she won’t budge.

I feel he is making excuses and downplaying her behaviour, and it hurts that he seems to be taking her side.

E. O.

Fiona says: All you can do is try

If you think your partner may not have advocated your case as strongly or as accurately as you would like, I suggest you write a letter or email her and explain how you feel.

Make sure you stress your wish to find a way forward that draws a line under this upset, and gets everyone back on speaking terms. At the same time though, make it clear that you won’t tolerate anything that you think is not in the best interests or safety of your child. Hopefully, she’ll be willing to join the family again. But if not, you’ll have your answer and can be reassured that you’ve done all you can to mend things with her.

I am perhaps more concerned about the rift that seems to be opening between you and your partner. I sense you are not happy about him taking your daughter to see his mother and that this is making you feel excluded. Have you talked with him about this? Has he really done all he could to heal this rift?

These are serious questions and, with another child on the way, you need to resolve these issues with your partner. If you’re worried about starting this process, please contact Relate (relate.org.uk) and speak to a counsellor.

Should I confront my fiancé?

I got chatting with one of the girls I work with recently and she told me about a guy at her local gym who has been trying to get into her knickers for ages. We had a good laugh about it – until she told me his name and I found out that it’s my fiancé.

She must have realised something was wrong immediately because she said the blood just drained from my face. When I finally recovered enough to tell he that he was my fiancé, she was really upset. And to her credit, she promised that nothing would ever come of it. She also apologised (not that she had to) if this leads to our break-up.

I’m really hurt and can’t believe he has done this to me. Only last week, he was talking about our possible wedding plans. Now I have no idea what I should do. Should I confront him, or just let it slide? She was adamant that nothing had happened between them, so this could just be flirting, but how can I be sure? He says he loves me, so should I give him the benefit of the doubt and just wait and see?

P. C.

Fiona says: This needs careful consideration

Before you do anything, be absolutely sure that she was talking about the same man. It’s possible someone shares his name.

If it IS your fiancé, you need to ask yourself whether you want to be engaged and one day married to someone who chats up other people when you’re not around? Yes, it’s possible that this was indeed completely innocent flirting and, if your colleague is being honest, nothing came of it.

However, can you be sure that this is the one and only time he’s done it? For your own peace of mind, you need to talk with him about this.

You will need to be completely reassured by what he says if your relationship has a long-term future.

How can I support my dying grandfather

My grandfather has been told that his condition is terminal, and I think this will be my last few months with him. I didn’t get along with my parents and he pretty much raised me. He’s been the one constant person in my life that I could turn to for love and support, my parents having left the country many years ago.

He lives on his own, but I want him to have the best end to his life possible. I also want to give him the best send-off, but I don’t know what he wants. Nor do I have any idea about how I even start a conversation like this with him. What do I do?

S. M.

Fiona says: One step at a time

I’m very sorry to hear about your grandfather, it must be a shock to you both. Right now, he’s likely reeling from the diagnosis and probably not up to talking about end-of-life arrangements. Given this, he might need a little time to digest what has happened, so for the moment, I suggest you just be supportive.

Talking about death is never easy, it can be scary, so people tend to avoid it. However, when you feel the time is right, you’ll have to have this conversation. Rather than dive straight into what sort of funeral he wants, it might be better to start discussing the practical arrangements for while he is still alive.

What future medical care will he need? Will he need to pay for care, or will someone like you be available to look after his daily living needs when the time comes?

Nonetheless, I am sure it will be difficult for you, so don’t be afraid to ask healthcare professionals for help.

Finally, don’t neglect your own health. Coping with pre-death grief can be just as difficult as post-death, so if you are really struggling, please do use Marie Curie’s support services.

So upset husband suggested watching porn

A few weeks back, my husband asked if I had a problem with him watching a blue movie with some of his mates at the football club. I was shocked, angry and upset – and he could see this, so he didn’t go.

However, we’ve been sleeping in separate rooms ever since and hardly spoken at all. He meets up regularly with this group at the club, and sometimes here as well, but I thought all they did was watch sport, drink beer or play cards.

It seems one of the guys had the idea of a blue film and my husband thought it was a good idea to mention it to me. How could he possibly think that I’d be happy about this?

L. F.

Fiona says: He respected your wishes

It’s to his credit that he respected you enough to ask how you felt about it, and then didn’t go when he saw how upset you were. To my mind, that suggests a caring husband, not someone who should be banished to the spare room, so perhaps it’s time to make peace?