Columnist and trained counsellor Fiona Caine answers another set of dilemmas

My teenage son is hard work. My husband and I try to get involved in his life but he keeps pushing us away. He’s also rude and uncooperative. If I ask where he’s going, he simply says ‘nowhere’ or ignores me. If I push a bit harder, he either says it’s none of my business or gets angry and stomps out of the house, slamming doors behind him.

If I try to hug him or show any affection, he pushes me away. Last week, he pushed me into a wall when I tried to block and stop him from going out before he had told me what time he was going to be back (I was expecting a parcel delivery and needed to make sure that someone was going to be in to receive it). I know it wasn’t done to hurt me physically, he simply wanted to get past. However, I was upset by it, especially when he swore at me and told me to stop nagging him.

My eldest son was not like this at all, he was even-tempered and a joy to have around. He left home a year ago to share a flat with his friends. I have no idea why my younger son is acting this way; we treat him exactly as we treated our other son. I am worried about him and wish I could understand what is going on.

I feel I have given up some of the best years of my life to raise a family, and it hurts that this is being thrown back in my face. A little gratitude wouldn’t go amiss – I don’t think I deserve this rudeness from him.

Fiona says: Negotiate a way forward – I appreciate it’s a big commitment to bring up children. Some may express gratitude to their parents for this, but others – probably most – will not, at least until they get older. After all, it wasn’t as if they had any say in the matter!

It was your choice to have children and spend your life raising them. It’s possible your son is acting out because he is jealous of his brother who, having left home, seems to have a lot more freedom than he does. Alternatively, he could simply be at that awkward teenage stage, where he’s desperate to be treated as an adult, even though he clearly isn’t. And while he is going through this, he’s likely to be deeply embarrassed by any attempts by his mother to hug him. Being uncommunicative is also typical behaviour for teenagers, so please don’t read too much into this.

However, rudeness and physical assaults are not acceptable, no matter how gentle they were. You’ll need to talk with your son about this incident, as he needs to learn there are boundaries to what is acceptable behaviour and language. Explain that you weren’t just trying to stop him from going out for no reason when you blocked the hall recently. Then try to negotiate a way forward that dials down the conflict.

Suggest that if he lets you know where he is going, what time he’ll be back and promises to phone you if he’s going to be late, you’ll back off and stop nagging. Knowing where he is, is just a sensible precaution should something go wrong – like him being hurt, for example. Hopefully he’ll see that this makes sense.

For more information and support in coping with teenagers, please contact Family Lives (familylives.org.uk).

Why can’t we move on?

I am living with a man who left his wife and children about a year ago. We had been having an affair for a few years prior to that, and he’d always said he would eventually leave his wife and move in with me.

When he did finally move into my flat, I was happy, but I’m now worried by the fact that he goes back to see them every week, sometimes twice or more. He assures me that his wife goes out while he is there, but I only have his word on this, because his wife won’t let me anywhere near the house and the children. I am frightened that she is trying to poison his thoughts about me and convince him to come back.

I know that he has to see his children but why can’t they come here once in a while? I asked him about this, and he said that his wife simply won’t allow it, she’s worried that it will confuse and upset the children. But they’re not babies any more they’re 11 and 14. I am sorry that their parents are separated. I feel guilty sometimes, because I suppose it’s my fault that they are having to go through this.

I also queried why he has to see them so often and got the same response – his children are upset and need to see him. But it’s been a year, surely they’re over it by now? He says that he definitely loves and wants to be with me, so why can’t he just tell her it’s over and let us move on with our life?

K. H.

Fiona says: His children will always come first

You really need to understand what it means if you’re in a relationship with a man who has children from a previous relationship. He can’t simply walk away from them, and he’s the better man for not doing so. He’s their father, he can’t just stop seeing them or loving them.

It’s very likely his children will always come first, no matter how much he says he loves you and wants to be with you.

Nor should you worry unduly about him seeing his children twice a week, after all, he had been spending lots of time with them every single day not so long ago.

Divorce and separation are upsetting and stressful processes, so it’s very likely the children need extra support – please don’t begrudge them that.

There is, of course, a possibility that he may eventually go back to his family anyway, whatever you do. That’s the risk you took when you started a relationship with a married man with children. You’ll just have to live with that uncertainty.

One thing is certain, though, if you force him to make a choice between you and his children, you’ll lose. If you genuinely want this relationship to last, I suggest you stop trying to force their separation and let them work it out at their own pace.

In time, if your relationship stays the distance, I am sure his children will eventually get to spend some time in your home. Be careful what you wish for though, because this will bring with it a whole different set of problems!

What do I do about my partner’s back pain?

For the past year my partner has suffered with lower back pain. When it flares up, he is impossible to live with. Instead, he just lies about the place moaning and complaining until it eases off.

I have told him countless times to see his doctor, but he keeps saying it’s nothing serious, so why pester his GP who’s probably too busy anyway. He also takes a lot of time off work and I worry that they will lose patience with him eventually and fire him. What have I got to do to make him see sense?

B. F.

Fiona says: He needs to see a professional

It never ceases to amaze me just how much pain people are willing to endure, rather than seek help. Your partner is being pig-headed, and you need to tell him so. Explain that you care about him and that it upsets you to see him in pain, especially when it is very likely that treatments or medications exist that will help.

If you can’t get him to see his GP, suggest he tries a physiotherapist instead. He will have to pay for this of course, unless he agrees to see his doctor first, in which case he might get a referral on the NHS. It makes absolutely no sense to live in pain, when all it might need is a professional to show him how to do a few simple, regular exercises.