Columnist and trained counsellor Fiona Caine answers another set of dilemmas

My husband is holding down a stressful, full-time job and works most weekends on another. He earns OK money from these – but we are still broke all the time. We are also deep in debt. He’s under a lot of stress and is exhausted most of the time, though this doesn’t stop him playing darts at the local pub whenever he can.

He’s also irritable often, especially if he thinks I am not trying hard enough to find a part-time job. The problem is there’s not much out there. We also have a two-year-old and as I have no family nearby, there’s no one to look after her while I work. So even if I could eventually find work, it will probably be badly paid and if I then have to pay a childminder, I’ll end up with next to nothing.

We’re arguing a lot about money, but I just don’t see what I can do. I don’t go out at all and when I suggested that he might want to cut back on the pub visits, he got angry with me. He said he needs some way to unwind or he’ll explode, and what’s more he earns it so he should be allowed to spend it. We had a big row after this and I’m not sure our marriage can survive much longer. Would I be better off without him?

H. T.

Fiona says: Get debt help first

Persistent money worries and debt can wreak havoc in a relationship, as you’ve found, but please don’t make any hasty life decisions. Right now, a lot of people are struggling and trying to deal with exactly this kind of stress, so you’re not alone. Your husband is clearly showing it – and if he’s working a seven-day week, it is understandable. It’s also no surprise that he feels the need to unwind, as we all do. However, what he is not understanding is that you’re just as stressed. And caring for a toddler is a demanding job in itself.

You need to work together to get through this. As a first step, you need to deal with the worrying debt overhang.

Please contact the National Debtline (nationaldebtline.org) and an adviser can talk you through the process of creating a budget. This will give you the information you need to put in place a realistic payment plan with your creditors.

Then, rather than job hunt immediately, could you instead look to find a friend or two nearby who also has young children? Local mother and toddler groups would be a good place to start. Perhaps some would like to work too, in which case you could take turns in looking after your children, giving each of you the freedom to look for part-time work. You might also be able to job-share a full-time job; many employers are happy to do this.

Alternatively, how do you feel about working unsocial hours, perhaps in the evening while your husband looks after your toddler? Many companies require staff to work such hours, and not just doing low-paid, menial tasks either.

Life must seem a bit bleak just now, but if you can get back some control of your finances, things should improve. If things continue to be rocky between you though, I suggest you speak to a Relate counsellor (relate.org.uk).

How do I start giving to charity?

I am lucky to have a high-paying, secure job, especially just now when so many people are struggling. As such, I think I should be giving back in some way and would like to choose some charities. The problem is, where do I start?

My grandfather died recently having had type 2 diabetes for years. He lost his sight for the last year of his life as well, so I did a web search for these two issues. I also had a look at the Charity Commission website. I got swamped with information about possible charities in these fields, all of which seem to say they need funds.

There are so many of them competing for funds, I can’t work out which ones are worthwhile and which ones aren’t. Also, how do I know whether any of them are bogus? I’ve found a few references to tax-effective giving.

Is this for me or the charities? It seems like a minefield so how do I make sure that my money goes where it’s needed most?

L. C.

Fiona says: Options are out there

It’s good that you want to give. In fact, I think anyone who can afford to, should – and give enough for it to hurt just a bit! That said, I think donors need to act responsibly and be informed about the organisations they support. As you’ve already found, there are thousands of charities out there seeking funding, and probably hundreds working in the fields of diabetes and blindness alone. This means it’s also important to find a secure and trustworthy way to give.

There are several organisations that link donors with charities and process donations. Probably the most established is the Charities Aid Foundation, often known as just CAF (cafonline.org). This has a searchable database that you can use to find charities working in your preferred areas. The site will have limited information about the charity, as well as a link to a website if you want to do further research. Additionally, you can call CAF if you need some guidance.

If you want to dig further still, the Charity Commission will have more detailed financial information – you can click on each registered charity and see it’s accounts and so forth. Then, once you’ve decided, give generously, and don’t feel guilty about refusing others.

You can give safely through CAF in the knowledge that it has verified that your chosen charity is legitimate. There are two ways you can give through CAF, through a CAF Charity Account or by Give as You Earn (sometimes called payroll giving) where your donation is taken directly from your salary by your employer. Both methods are tax-effective for the charity.

Donations that you make through a CAF Charity account can be made under the Gift Aid scheme, which allows the charity to reclaim the tax that you have already paid. Alternatively, GAYE donations would be taken from your salary BEFORE tax is applied. Simply put, any tax that you might have paid on any money that you subsequently give as a donation now goes to the charity and not HMRC.

It’s gives all charitable giving a big boost, hence tax-effective giving.

Embarrassed I'm still a virgin

I am embarrassed to tell you that at 44, I am still a virgin. All my energy has gone into looking after my mother, who was ill for much of her later life, and my career. I have been successful but it came at the cost of any sort of love life.

I have now met someone who makes me happy. It looks like it’s becoming serious and I am worried that when he finds out that I am virgin, he will think I am weird or something.

Is there anything I could do to make myself seem more experienced?

A. P.

Fiona says: You've no reason to feel ashamed

Do you really want to start this relationship by pretending to be something you are not?

I think deep down you know this is no basis for an ongoing, trusting relationship.

Why don’t you start as you mean to go on and simply be honest with him? Explain that you are inexperienced, and I am sure he’ll appreciate your honesty and be only too willing to support you.

And please remember you have a lot more to offer a partner than just sexual experience.

Not everyone loses their virginity in their teens or 20s, and that’s ok.