Columnist and trained counsellor Fiona Caine answers another set of reader dilemmas

For just over three years, I have had seemingly endless bouts of chemo, radiotherapy and other drugs to battle my cancer. It’s been unbelievably tough at times, and I don’t think I could have done it without the support of my wife and two wonderful children. Last week, my consultant finally told me there is nothing more that can be done, basically a terminal diagnosis.

I was shocked, still am, and lied to my wife for a few hours, telling her that everything was fine. However, she could tell that something was wrong, and I eventually told her later that day. Now we are both devastated, and only just keeping it together for the sake of our children.

We haven’t said anything about it to our sons, but I wonder what they think when they find me staring out of a window or crying quietly. They must know something is really wrong. They are used to me feeling sick or being in pain, but not crying like this, it makes me feel so weak.

It’s my birthday soon and I have no idea how I am supposed to cope with this. We had planned a busy day out with the boys, followed by a meal with friends. But how do I have a ‘happy’ day with this hanging over me? The way I feel now, there is no way I can stay cheerful for that long. More importantly, how do we tell our sons that this will be my last birthday with them?

Part of me thinks it would probably be better to not tell them at all. I will never see them grow up and every time I think about this, I lose it. I am so angry.

S. D.

Fiona says: Please go easy on yourself

I am so sorry you are going through this. It’s all so new, raw and painful, and you must have so many questions. However, please don’t add stress about your upcoming birthday to this. If it all feels too much, change your plans, I am sure people will understand. Your sons are used to you feeling unwell at times, so use this as an excuse to perhaps just have a cosy duvet day and movie marathon at home, followed by a favourite takeaway in the evening.

Also, don’t beat yourself up for crying – we are all human and it’s healthy to express emotions. You’ve had little or no time to process what this all means, so I am not surprised that you feel as you do.

I can understand why you might want to keep your diagnosis a secret from your children, in the hope that this protects them from the pain for as long as possible. However, at some point they will need to know, and in my experience, it’s usually better to be honest about these things. This is likely to be a difficult conversation, at a particularly scary time for you, so please consider contacting Marie Curie (mariecurie.org.uk) for support and information.

The charity offers free, practical and clinical information, and emotional support through a helpline and an online chat service. The website also has lots of information about living with terminal illness.

You don’t say whether your consultant gave you an estimate of the time you have left, but I would just like to stress that this is just that, an estimate. An informed one certainly, but still just an estimate. People can live with untreatable illness for years and years, so this diagnosis does not necessarily mean that this will be your last birthday with your children. But I understand how final this might feel.

Struggling to cope with kids

Please help, I am really struggling with my children. I have twins who are nine months old, one of whom has health issues. This means I have to make regular trips to the GP surgery or the hospital. It would be hard enough to do this with just the twins, but I also have a four-year-old daughter to manage as well.

It’s hard and I am exhausted all the time. When he’s home, my partner does his share, but he works long hours and is just as exhausted as me. There’s nobody else to help and I have no idea how we are going to cope. What can I do?

P. N.

Fiona says: Reach out for local support

Have you looked for mother and baby or mother and toddler groups in your area? Getting involved with a group could give you a network of friends or contacts who are able to step in when you need some help.

You might also find it helpful to contact Home Start (home-start.org.uk). This organisation provides volunteers to support families who are having difficulties looking after young children.

All volunteers are trained and checked against criminal records before allowed to support families. It’s usual for a local organiser to interview you and assess your needs before you’re matched to a volunteer. These are completely confidential. The service doesn’t reach all areas of the UK sadly but, if they can’t help, they may be able to suggest alternatives.

Life feels so bad

I was abused for years by my stepfather. It eventually stopped when my mother threw him out – but not before I’d become a nightmare teenager. It’s all left me feeling hurt and angry, so I act out a lot. I know I’ve also got behavioural problems and it’s got me into trouble a few times.

I did get some help with a counsellor, but nothing has worked so far. I still feel suicidal or desperate at times and have even cut myself, though nothing serious. Life feels like a constant battle, and I am not sure how much longer I can go on fighting it. Nobody knows what I should I do, and I seem to have exhausted all sources of help.

An old school mate has suggested that I move into his flat with him, but it’s at the other end of the country. It would mean getting used to a new area, but he’s already found a new job for me. However, I am worried about losing the support I’ve built up here. What should I do?

M. H.

Fiona says: You’ve survived a lot

You’ve made the right start in seeking counselling help. But if your current counsellor isn’t getting to the root of the problem, try to see another one. Some people need to see several before they eventually find the right one for them. Nor have you exhausted all other avenues of help, so please don’t despair.

There are a number of victim support organisations, but I suggest your first point of contact should be the National Association of People Abused in Childhood (napac.org.uk). The charity does not offer an ongoing counselling service, but it gives you the chance to talk about what’s bothering you so that they can steer you towards appropriate sources of help.

One of things that they might suggest is that you contact a local support group. Chatting with others who have been the same thing, who understand the problems involved, are often the best source of support.

It’s good that you have a friend who has reached out to help and perhaps a fresh start might be right for you. You’re not happy where are you now, nor are you getting that much support that I can see other than a single counsellor.

Whatever you decide to do, the important thing to remember is that you have survived this. What happened to you was not your fault – and with the right support, you CAN recover, wherever you are.

Finally, if ever you ever feel suicidal or that you need to talk to somebody right now, please contact the Samaritans on 116 123 or visit the website (Samaritans.org). If you haven’t done so already, please do speak to your GP as well. Support is out there.