Chancellor Toby Neal steps in to sort out our crisis

And therefore, at this time of crisis, nay crises, and at the request of a grateful nation, I am proud to present my first ever Budget, for my usual fee.

In response to the various emergencies, I am announcing a series of emergency measures.

The economic backdrop is challenging. In the UK the GDP and the APR have been looked at by the OBR and OMG we're back in the USSR.

But people still have to live, and my first measure will be to tackle the housing crisis. Today I can announce that the Government will splash out to do up all those empty properties, some of them distinguished and historic, and including the thousands of closed pubs, in our towns and cities which would never be done up by private enterprise because of the huge cost and uncertain return.

They will primarily be turned into affordable apartments, or converted for community purposes.

It will be paid for by a 5,000 per cent tax on toilet rolls. There were shameful scenes of panic buying when I visited my local supermarket the other day which meant there weren't enough left for me to load up my van.

There will also be an audit to crack down on the modern scourge of undercrowding. People living in houses with spare bedrooms will be invited to take in the homeless as their contribution to the homelessness emergency crisis.

I have identified too a parking crisis emergency. Just try parking in a hospital car park, or narrow crowded town or city street, and you'll know all about it. So today I am committing the Government to creating 3,000 square miles of new parking spaces on British parkland. It's not called park land for nothing, is it?

But if you think I'm ignoring the environment, think again. All those pleasant grass verges on our housing estates which were tarmacked over because people kept parking on them will be turned to grass again.

To boost environmentally-friendly car sharing, there will be fixed penalty notices slapped on anybody spotted driving a car without having any passengers.

To enforce such measures, I am establishing a new arm of the law, The Green Police, and one of their duties will be to monitor households to ensure that they are generating enough household waste to be recycled.

Litter shames us all, and must be tackled by a big educational programme. To that end monthly leaflets urging people not to drop litter will be distributed to every household in the United Kingdom.

A new scheme will limit Britons to one flight each every five years, and to ease the consequences to those working in the climate-destroying airline industry, they will be retrained in agrarian roles, as will Anglican priests due to shrinking congregations.

As for the crisis of caring for the elderly emergency, it has not escaped my notice that there are some older folk who have probably done things and thought things in the past which are not in tune with the 21st century.

Therefore, as we want to promote a nation of respect, kindness, and tolerance for all its citizens, to prove themselves deserving of any state help they will be required to successfully complete the following questionnaire to show that they are thinking correctly and are fit to continue living amid modern society.

1 On a scale of 1 to 10, how proud are you of the British Empire? 2 Convert 5.2cms into inches. 3 Name 10 British TV sitcoms from the 1960s. 4 What is on Page Three of The Sun?

The last test is a reaction test in which your reactions are carefully observed after being read the following statement: "Help, help, my mother-in-law wants to jump out of the window." "Why the excitement?" "I can't open it."

As a special dispensation for older Star readers, because I love you all, I can give you the correct answers. The first four questions are all trick questions and any attempt to answer them automatically condemns you, while the correct response to the reaction test is to remain resolutely stony-faced (but if I had to tell you that, you failed anyway).

Health is a personal and state responsibility. I am deeply concerned about the childhood obesity crisis emergency. So I am introducing a new tax on junk food. And we must regenerate our town shopping centres and find them new roles as the retail crisis emergency bites, so I have created a special development fund which will support moves to turn empty shops into fast food outlets.

These are difficult times, and difficult times require difficult measures.

We must put our shoulder to the wheel and all pull together.

I commend this statement to the House.