Make the UK Great Again: A modest proposal for tariffs, teenagers, and the 'War on Americanisms'

Sir Keir and Rachel have never had it so good, but strangely don't seem to be celebrating the life given to their favourite slogans by that chap over the pond.

It's a case of being careful what you wish for. All across Whitehall the bins have been filling up with copies of the Chancellor's spring statement, which was out of date before the ink was dry.

However, the Trump tariffs are an opportunity for long-overdue retaliatory measures. All those American imports, well, they just can't be tolerated. Time for a plan to Make the UK Great Again, or MUKGA, and gain redress for all the things the Americans have foisted on us. 

My briefing paper is almost complete, and will raise billions.

THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE: The Americans have done untold damage to the beautiful language. The influence has been insidious. Come on guys we must act to protect our heritage which is being weaponised against us. They will be appealing the decision but we must double down. So instant £100 on-the-spot tariffs for every use of so-called American English, with especially punitive fines for broadcasters who spread the American word, and therefore normalise it. If they plead not guilty, we'll simply hike the fine.

It's got to the point where Brits don't even know what the proper English is. Here we practise the practice of correct spellings, we don't practice the practice. We queue, we don't stand in line. If you've been to the "theater," Center Parcs, or a drive-thru, you are an accomplice in the American cultural takeover.