Dowds: I don't know why I killed my Mandy

A college manager spoke of the moment he woke to discover he had stabbed his lover to death with a kitchen knife at their Wolverhampton home, telling a jury: "I'm devastated."

Stephen Dowds said he felt "shock, horror and disbelief" when he found the lifeless body of Mandy Finn, who had been stabbed 60 times, including some 10 knife wounds to her back.

But Dowds, who said he had been suicidal after making the grim discovery, claimed to have no memory of what had happened to the Wolverhampton College psychology lecturer.

He asked himself "every minute" why he had committed such a "cold-blooded, terrible act".

The father-of-two told his murder trial: "I'm devastated. She was the woman I was going to spend the rest of my life with.

"I can't understand why I've done this and why she's not here any more."

The 49-year-old, a former English teacher at Regis School in Wolverhampton who went on to be head of humanities at Wolverhampton College, accepts he killed the mother-of-two with an eight-inch kitchen knife.

But he denies murdering Miss Finn, who was also a PhD student at the city's university, at the flat they shared on Newhampton Road West, Whitmore Reans, in November last year.

The academic told jurors at Wolverhampton Crown Court his memory loss was not a deliberate act to avoid facing reality.

He said: "It's the 'why' that bothers me more than anything else. I need to know what happened.

"I believe I did this act, I need to know why.

"I'm not trying to run away from it. Until I get the 'why' I'm not going to get any closure at all."

Dowds, whose 18-month relationship with 40-year-old Miss Finn was described as "explosive" by the prosecution, outlined a catalogue of alleged physical violence at Miss Finn's hands.

But on the weekend that she had died, the couple were "celebrating" new opportunities that had opened up for them at the Paget Road college. Miss Finn had returned from an excursion with sociology students on November 19 last year, a Friday, and Dowds bought a bottle of vodka from Bargain Booze on Tettenhall Road.

He recalled the pair, who were planning to go to Cuba that Christmas, were drinking and "being silly" as they danced in their flat to 1980s music.

He told the court yesterday: "The very last thing I remember is holding hands, looking at each other with our tongues out in a stupid way. That's a vivid memory.

"The cruel thing is the last memory is a very, very happy one. The next thing I remember is waking up on the settee. I've tried every single day, every single minute to remember what happened."

Dowds said he had seen four psychiatrists and offered to speak to "anybody who will listen" in a bid to jog his memory.

He had considered hypnosis and even a chemical injection in his efforts to recall the tragedy, which meant he could not sleep at night. Dowds, a father-of-two, said his first recollection after dancing with Miss Finn was waking up on the settee in pitch black and still fully clothed.

Drunk, tired and cold, he went upstairs to bed before waking up again when there was some light outside the window.

Dowds, who had by now undressed, said: "I looked in the spare bedroom for Mandy and I went downstairs. I noticed that the chair was knocked over and looked behind the settee and that's when I saw her."

Dowds said he felt shock, horror and disbelief and began trying to "put together a picture" of what happened.

"I didn't even think there was any ill-feeling. I went upstairs and saw my clothes were blood-stained.

"I came back and just stood there in disbelief trying to remember what happened."

Dowds said he put on his blood-stained clothes and sat with his back to a wall near Miss Finn's feet and looked at her.

"I knew she was dead, she was cold. I sat and sat, trying to work out what had happened. There was nothing there. I talked to her, touched her and I thought it was my time to go as well. I had thoughts of killing myself as a result of what I had done.

"I couldn't see how it could have been anybody else."

Dowds said time was "lost" to him as he sat by her body, before finishing off the night's vodka and falling asleep next to her.

"The next thing I remember is thinking I've got to do something, either get enough courage to kill myself or do something else."

By now, Dowds told jurors, it was Sunday afternoon. He sent a message to his ex-wife saying: "I'm sorry for any hurt I caused you. Be happy."

After deciding not to go through with a "cowardly" suicide, Dowds called police after being urged to do so by a friend he had phoned in the Los Angeles. Dowds tidied up ahead of police's arrival, taking vodka bottles out to be recycled and folding his bloodied clothes into a pile for officers to examine.

But he could not recall any argument with Miss Finn, or her having a knife, and could never foresee using such violence.

Mr Andrew Lockhart QC, prosecuting, said: "So all of us can be clear, you killed Mandy with that knife."

Dowds responded: "I'm responsible, yes."

Mr Lockhart replied: "In killing her, you struck her many times with that very large knife, didn't you?"

Dowds said: "According to what you've shown me, yes."

Mr Lockhart said: "She was concious and was trying to defend herself against you, wasn't she."

Dowds said: "I don't know."

Mr Lockhart said: "When she stopped moving, somehow you rolled her over and stabbed her at least 10 times in the back, didn't you."

Dowds replied: "I don't know."

Mr Lockhart said: "It was you."

"I never denied that," came the reply.

Dowds was continuing his evidence today.