Mark Watson's perfect weekend

Funnyman Mark Watson is winding his way across the UK after agreeing to visit the venues his fans wanted him to. He asked for suggested venues last year and is now working his way around them all.

It's Friday afternoon. What's on your mind?

Football's likely to be on my mind. My brother and I play a game where we have to bet on the results of matches and see who wins the most money over the season. The bets are only 10p, in case anyone thinks I have a gambling addiction. Well, maybe I do, but it's a very cheap addiction.

Who normally has the pleasure of your company at the weekend?

My wife and very small boy, or the people of towns like Shrewsbury, depending on whether I'm on tour or not.

How do you prepare for a big night out?

I don't really prepare much to be honest. I'm relieved I'm not a girl; I could never get into this business of spending two hours preparing for the night. It's almost impossible for the night to live up to that. I basically check I've got my keys and am wearing clothes, and then leave the house.

What's your favourite party outfit?

See above. I'm not much of a dresser-up. Having said that, I recently went to a Halloween party as an escaped killer, covered in fake blood. I'm still having trouble getting the blood off me and it's starting to cause awkward conversations.

You've just arrived at the bar. What's your first drink?

Red wine. It is also my last drink, and all the ones in between.

What is your favourite nightspot and why?

There's a place in Melbourne called the Gin Palace. It's very dark and full of plush decorations and you completely lose track of the time and of real life. It's a bit of a trek to Melbourne, unfortunately.

What tune always gets you on the dancefloor?

Not much can move me to dance, because I'm aware the sight is quite upsetting to those who love me. But every New Year's Eve I dance to '500 Miles' by the Proclaimers with my sisters and wife. It's sort of a tradition. It's more jumping around than dancing, truthfully.

It's a sunny Saturday. What are you up to?

I'm most likely at the park. In an ideal world I'm lying somewhere with a book, but I don't get many chances to do that.

What's your most memorable weekend ever and why?

Probably the first time I went to Glastonbury (1999). I'd like to add that I don't really "remember" it because I was off my face, but actually I was too much of a teacher's pet in those days so I only had a couple of rums the whole time. REM were great.

What's the recipe for a perfect night in?

A takeaway, something like a curry. In fact, yes, let's just say a curry. A World Cup or other major tournament. Friends, family etc. An outcome to the game which only I predicted.

Favourite DVD? And what would you eat while watching it?

The wife and I went through the whole of Mad Men, series 1-4, on a mad binge. I'm desperate for them to make another one. The most I would eat while watching it is Pringles. It's too serious to combine with a proper meal.

Sunday breakfast – cooked or continental?

Cooked, definitely. Sausages, bacon, let's do this properly. 'Continental' in my experience basically means 'not enough food and some of it is slightly stale pastries.'

Sunday lunch – home cooked or down the pub?

My mum cooks a cracking one. Always better than the pub. I've had good pub Sunday roasts, but where we live in London, they tend to charge £16.99 and not include parnsips.

When and how do you like to relax?

As you'll have gathered from previous answers, football and wine are my chief relaxants. And baths. If I could, I'd conduct most of my business from the bath, like a king.

You've got a whole weekend off and a wad of money in your back pocket – which country or city would you head to?

Melbourne is my favourite city, as I've mentioned, but it's a long way to go for a weekend. So maybe Rome. Or maybe I'd just go to Bristol, see my parents, and bank the wad of cash for these uncertain financial times.

* Mark Watson visits The Place @ Oakengates Theatre, in Telford, on December 2 and Wem Town Hall on December 3.