Andy Richardson: Funnily enough column writing’s not easy

He was a stand-up comic back in the 1990s who’d enjoyed a hit with the irreverently-brilliant TV show Fist of Fun, alongside Richard Herring. And though he was then decidedly niche, a small number of commissioning editors on magazines decided he’d be as good on the page as he was on stage. I should know. I was one of them. And we were right. Stewart was hilarious in print.

One of the Stafford-born funnyman’s first pieces was for the men’s magazine, Men’s Health. I asked him to write it. Men’s Health was an incongruous title for Stewart’s work. A title that focused on mung beans, ripped abs and recipes for pan-seared tuna, Stuart’s words burned through the morass of health and lifestyle advice like a space capsule flaming at 1,000C.

Along with Richard Herring and Greg Proops – whatever happened to him? – Stewart was part of a new breed of writer whose columns added intelligence, gravitas and razor-sharp wit to an otherwise dry and factual publication.

It was 1998 and he’d been writing for about four years by then, following a short stint in 1994 with the comedy magazine Deadpan. This is what he remembers of those musings: “They were adequate. Gratifyingly, the ‘me’ in the stories wasn’t really me. He was a character, a kind of would-be bohemian columnist version of me, eager to impress, pleased with his own cleverness, fabricating meetings with Kurt Cobain and imagining shared-stage-fright ferry flights across the English Channel with Stephen Fry.”

Ever-the-maverick, he describes how he wrote with rapacious insight: “I gave the Guardian a stream-of-consciousness screed, scrawled out as if by a man trying to score points, name-dropping obscure occult practitioners and half-remembered historical facts, grasping towards some unified theory of meaning known only to the addled and insecure author.”

Brilliant doesn’t come close.

Fast-forward almost two decades and Stewart is in his pomp. A man whose experience and ability has propelled him to a lofty high, he’s back on the road with a new show, Content Provider. It has been described by The Times as being the most consistently funny show of his brilliant career and it recalls some of those early years as a columnist. He’ll take it to Wolverhampton’s Grand Theatre on June 21. And as tempting as it might seem to stay in and watch The Kyle Files, Mary Berry Everyday or whatever else the nation’s TV programmers might offer us, Stewart remains the top draw.

And yet while he sails off into the sunset, plaudits ringing in his Oxford-educated ears, perhaps it’s time to introduce someone new. Perhaps we can unearth ‘the next Stewart Lee’ – a columnist whose words resonate with the masses while providing mirth and mischief.

The woman in question, like Stewart, talks frequently about the joys of crisps. And she, like Stewart, spent a childhood enjoying fish and chips wrapped in old Express & Star newspapers. Ladies and gentlepeople, the campaign starts here to get Doreen Tipton a slot.

While Stewart has won a Bafta, Doreen has won Best Pantomime Newcomer for her role in Wolverhampton’s Grand’s production of Aladdin – and she was so good as the Lazy Empress of China that she’ll be returning this year as herself in Jack and the Beanstalk.

While Stewart used to put deliberately negative remarks on his tour posters to put off potential audience members who might not enjoy him, our Dor hobnobs with Robert Plant.

She’s too smart to work hard: Doreen famously turned down a Breakfast Radio Show offer because she wouldn’t have been up in time.

It’s puzzling to ponder what Doreen what write about.

She might, for instance, spill the (half-baked) beans on the way she celebrated her Best Newcomer in Panto award. Was it over a packet of cheese and onion and half a Batham’s, or did she push the boat out and order something more exotic: a Desperate Dan pie and a pint of Lumphammer?

There are other issues upon which she can provide elucidation.

Was it her destiny to following the footsteps of William ‘Slasher’ Perry and Steve Bull by becoming a local icon? Will she follow her stage successes by moving into politics: Doreen Tipton for Mayor Of Tipton, anyone? And might she talk about the way she’s invested her new-found wealth? Has she invested it wisely by buying property in Tipton, like The Wreck? Or has she wasted it with a flutter on the ‘osses?

We contacted Doreen’s ‘people’ to see whether she might put pen to paper – or fingers to keyboard – and pen a guest offering. Alas, it was a fruitless request. Doreen had her feet up and was tucking into a packet of cheesy Wotsits. ‘Cor be bov-add,’ she told her agent.

Some things never change.