Keith Harrison: What we've learnt from the World Cup
So Germany versus Argentina eh? The winner's not exactly going to land any popularity prizes in England. In fact it could only be worse if Scotland were in the final.
But I'm not sure they even let Scotland enter these days.
Still, what have we learnt over the past four weeks? Well . . .
1. A haircut can get you a long way as a player:
There's a simple formula with footballers; duff hair, duff player (and, yes, I include myself in that).
But let's start with the obvious, folks. It's my pleasure to kick David Luiz when he's down.
The smirking, diving, elbowing prima donna had a 'mare' against the Germans – like a clown running through a minefield.
Less Franz Beckenbauer, more Franz Spencer.
Au revoir le tosseur, as they say in Chelsea.
2. People don't like Adrian Chiles:
I don't get it; he's a proper fan, he's got a great accent, he's English, passionate and knowledgeable.
And yet, take a glance at any feedback for Adrian and people are constantly slating him. Why? Unlike most Englishmen in Brazil, he's had a good tournament.
Unlike Glenn Hoddle, who mistook Algeria for Al Jazeera or the BBC's Steve Wilson, who announced Germany's national anthem as 'Deutschland Uber Alles', words that no-one has used since they were dropped after a change of government in 1945.
3. Great players don't make great pundits:
Admit it; when you first saw Fabio Cannavaro in the studio, did you struggle to place him? Or understand what he was going on about. At least he had the excuse of being foreign (nice booking, there ITV). Rio 'Wozza!' Ferdinand and Andy 'diving is OK' Townsend have no such get-out, however. And, of course, if Lee Dixon talks for England, so do I.
Diabolical Hansen couldn't resist one last tax-payer funded freebie, Shearer has been surprisingly less drone-like than usual and Thierry Henry has been the epitome of French cool, but man, have I missed Roy Keane.
4. Players don't make great pundits:
Similar to Number 3 but without the prefix 'Great'.
5. No-one wears black boots any more:
Remember the uproar when Alan Ball wore white boots in the 1970s? The rebel. Now white is sooo last season. It's day-glo green, killer whale, tiger skin, ankle high, slogan stitched, personalised tat.
They look less like football boots and more like Peter Stringfellow's underwear collection (I'm guessing).
God knows where they find strawberry red dubbin.
They're all paper thin too, offering no protection to the stray Argentinian defender's late studs.
When I played (jumpers for goalposts and all that), I preferred a bit of padding, two sets of shin guards, ankle pads and a stab-proof vest – and I still ended up in casualty most weeks.
Mind you, I don't suppose you'd get Neymar in the Catforth and District Summer League.
6. I want that 10-yard spray:
Like little wheels on suitcases, it's one of those things that makes you wonder why it's taken human evolution so long to think of this.
A genius idea that, as with many rules in the tournament, didn't apply to Brazil who merely saw it as a starting line.
Would have loved to have seen what Robbie Fowler would have made of it all, too.
The only downside is that you just know it'll be an annoying new feature in FIFA 15 on the Xbox next year . . .
7. Joe Hart will sell anything:
I'm sorry, but come on. I know he's a Shropshire lad and all that, but surely his bankability is massively out-weighing his talent.
Not a bad keeper, but a Shilton? A Banks? A Bert Williams? No way.
Just an indicator of how low we've fallen, especially as have-a-go Joe's most memorable moment of the World Cup was swearing at a ball boy.
And yet the lad must have a world class agent. He's been hawking everything from dandruff shampoo, to deodorant, to suits made by firms with a Nazi past.
Still, that contract at Man City's just not enough is it Joe?
8. Cameras sometimes lie:
Your team is 5-0 down in the World Cup semi final and you're understandably in tears. And yet as the camera picks you out on the big screen, you give your mate the full Kevin Muscat in the ribs and beam like you've just won the lottery.
Sums up modern football fans I suppose.
For a more authentic reaction – and you won't see this on the BBC – check out this Youtube video for the moment a Brazilian fan filmed himself passing wind in front of Neymar's girlfriend during a game.
Actress Bruna Marquezine covers her nose, shakes her head in disgust then gives the bearded buffoon a well-deserved push in the back.
Foul referee!
9. The game has gone:
Yep, they think it's all over, it is now. The game of football is no more. Players are more obsessed with diving and conning the referee than actually playing the sport they're good at.
Players like Arjen Robben openly admit to conning refs and feigning injury, yet the officials (excuse the pun) fall for it every time.
Why? If a serial offender turns up in court and admits burglary is his trade, shouldn't the judge hold that against him? Yet referees allow Robben, Fred and, sadly, the vast majority of players to get away with it, while ex-pros defend the 'art' of diving from the TV commentary boxes.
If it carries on like this, football will be a non-contact sport with the credibility of wrestling, with the refs nothing more than comedy stooges. Come to think of it with some of those Brazil games . . .
10. We're not very good:
Let's face it, the myth about Wayne Rooney being world class was exposed years ago. Expecting him to deliver was always a long, wayward shot – the type that the sulky scouser specialises in.
As for the rest of England's young charges, they've got potential. But they've also got millions in the bank, agents, WAGs, sponsorship deals, boot deals, haircut deals, you name it.
The late, great Sir Tom Finney used to spend up to six hours a day kicking a tennis ball against a wall (left foot, right foot) then get on the bus to the game with the fans.
It's a total mystery as to why English players don't achieve their full potential. Isn't it?
Has Keith got it right? Anything he's missed? Have your say in the comment box below.
