It's hip to be square 10% of the time, apparently

It was the most laugh-out-loud ludicrous piece of tosh I've ever had the misfortune of absorbing into my little grey cells. If I could take it back, I would.

I imagine it's how you guys feel having to read my stuff every week.

Anyways, the piece was entitled A Little Bit M.O.R and came with the following standfirst: "The most stylish people know how to fall off the hipster bandwagon every now and then. Being 10% middle of the road is the coolest place to be."

I know, I know: vom.

Apparently, to be truly cool these days, we have to embrace all things normal. Ironically, of course. And only by 10%. We've still got to be hip to the jive 90% of the time lest the hipster gods condemn us to an eternity of Next clothing and Emeli Sandé albums. Heaven forbid.

This all-knowing article, which featured in The Sunday Times' Style mag (of course), featured the following paragraph (take a deep breath, read on and try not to bleed from the eyes):

"Showing a firm grip on all things fashionable while also professing a liking for baked beans, EastEnders and Gary Barlow is as cool as it gets.

But be careful you don't go too Radio 2. What you need to aim for is 10% M.O.R. This is about being perfectly aware of what to wear, where to eat and who to talk to – nobody could accuse you of not knowing where it's at – but equally, being just as happy tucking into a frozen lasagne from Lidl every now and then. It's a considered choice. It's allowing yourself to fall off the stylish bandwagon, a bit. Letting go, a bit. It's loving the "meh" in life – and as a result becoming even cooler."

There are so many things wrong with this, I don't know where to start.

It's worse than socks and sandals, chips and mayo, turning up to a fancy dress party as Jimmy Savile or Shannon Matthews's mum. It's an abomination.

There was even a little quiz to determine just how M.O.R you are, but, by that point, my magazine was covered in vomit and tears so I couldn't fill it in. But, if I had to hazard a guess, I reckon I'm 100% M.O.R. Without a trace of irony.

Here's my beef with this whole thing:

1. The deliberate and, in this case, mathematical construction of a "cool" way of life is about the most uncool thing a person can do.

2. Dressing up the enjoyment of perfectly normal things as some sort of ironic guilty pleasure is sad in every sense of the word. I hate to break it to you, but you're not enjoying that Lidl frozen lasagne because it makes you 10% M.O.R, you're enjoying it because it's quick, tasty and cheap.

3. There's nowt wrong with being normal! Don't punish yourself for liking Gary Barlow or beans on toast: you likes what you likes and who gives a damn what some skinny-jeaned hipster in Shoreditch thinks? Besides, these soulless folk would probably love nothing more than to fully embrace their own mediocrity instead of carrying on with the exhausting charade of "coolness" – why else would they have invented the baffling new trend of "normcore"?

I could go on but I've only got 600 words.

One thing's for sure though, I'd rather be dead than be cool. 'Twas a wise man who said that.