Carl Jones: Big dose of reality from quirky tales of new love

For starters, it's the only time I can turn up on the doorstep after work clutching a bunch of red roses, safe in the knowledge that my better half won't be wondering if I'm trying to get myself out of the doghouse for something she's yet to discover I've done.

I jest (slightly). February 14 for Mr and Mrs J usually means a quiet romantic night in front of the box with a posh meal, a bottle of fizz, and a gourmet TV schedule.

Not for us the over-inflated restaurant prices, where couples feel pressured to demonstrate a rather forced public display of affection. Frankly, we've been married far too long for all that nonsense.

But it has to be said that the telly's not been doing much to get us in the lovey-dovey mood in the privacy of our own homes in recent days. Soft, squidgy romantic storylines are rather few and far between.

In soapland, it's been all about snatching disaster from the jaws of happiness, while the reality TV juggernaut continues to specialise is emotional trauma and humiliation.

So (and here's something I don't say very often) thank goodness for Channel 5.

It's anointed itself the freeview channel of love, commissioning a string of romance-related docu-dramas this season. Of course, it being Channel Five, things are not quite that simple. There's precious little evidence of what I'd term 'normal' couples leading a peaceful, level-headed existence of discreet love and devotion. Oh no, we have toyboys, hermits, nerds, baby-faced brides and holiday love rats. Hardly a recipe for Champagne and red roses. Director of programming Ben Frow explains: "We all need a little love in our lives and thought it would be fun for Channel Five to look at affairs of the heart in all sorts of ways. This is love's ups and downs done the Channel Five way."

And so it began on Tuesday night with a show called 'She's 78, He's 39, Age-Gap Love'. Fair play. An eye-catching title. "I wanted a toyboy," said 78-year-old Edna, originally from the Black Country. "It was love at first sight," added thirty-something beau Simon, a recluse with a rather unhealthy obsession with Wurlitzers and organ music.

We also had 74-year-old Mike trying to cope with an eight-week-old baby, and 58-year-old Gary trying to keep up with the clubbing pace in Ibiza with his partner, who was yet to hit 30. All in all, hardly a licence for laid-back lurve...

Next off the production line is Baby Faced Brides, where penniless teenagers so determined to marry use what little money they have, defying the wishes of parents. Getting married is a nerve racking time for anyone, but when you're a hormonal teen without mum and dad on your side, it's a whole different ball game.

And completing the trilogy is Holiday Love Rats, which will follow the misfortunes of Brits who have been conned out of tens of thousands of pounds and then dumped. What is it about the sun and sea that causes otherwise rational, responsible folk to drop their guard?

Channel Five's idea of a love match might not put you in the mood for soft lighting or scented candles, but these shows do serve one purpose – reminding us how lucky we are that our own relationships don't ride such a rocky rollercoaster. Now, where's that Interflora phone number?