Kirsty Bosley: Street cred - zero! Festival foibles that help me carry on camping

That's who I am now, and I'm not ashamed.

Festival season is in full swing, and I'm gearing up for my second of the year.

The first one, Download at Donington Park, was fun in spots, but absolutely wretched in others.

On the first day, I got lost on my way to the campsite and after a two-hour midday sun walk, finally sat down to some of the most miserable sunburn of my life.

And then the rain started. For three days, it barely stopped. And after that, I vowed that I would never put style before comfort ever again.

The birthday onesie is not even a cool one. It's a plain black number, mens, size 'very large'. Because, as much as I'd like to wear Daisy Duke-style booty shorts and a cute straw hat to festivals, it's unbearably impractical, especially if it's as much of a washout as Download and Glasto were this year.

I've been going to festivals for more than a decade now, and over time I've learnt a lot of harsh lessons that have contributed both to the depletion of my street cred and my increased comfort levels. Never the twain shall meet. It's a weird trade-off – the more you look like a sad big bin bag, the more comfortable and protected from the elements you'll be. You've got to just suck it up.

And so, as I gear up for Bloodstock this year, I thought I'd share my top three tips. If I've missed any, drop me a line @Bozzers on Twitter, and let me know!

FASHION? FORGET IT. . .

As wonderful as it'd be to show up looking like an advert for festival-chic-boho-princess-field-fabulousness, right from the window of TopStrop and sprinkled with wild flowers and body glitter, it's just not practical.

For a start, you don't want FDC (festival deep chafe) on the first day of an unwashed weekend. It won't be cute. Not to mention the constant state of your mottled wet legs when the rain comes in.

You can get ponchos in every colour and design, but if the heavens open before you even leave the car, you've got the hassle of trying to layer it over the top of everything. Ponchos don't really work well if you're laden with stuff like Ian Beale's fruit and veg cart, you just end up looking like a human spinning top.

Know what works well? An anorak. The longer the better I've found, and with arms to hang things off. Or, what works even more effectively is a big massive waterproof onesie. I'm a step ahead of the curve, I tell you.

Sure, you might look like an unattractive blob of a person, but who cares when under those layers you're nice and dry? I'm sure Slayer won't be looking out over the Bloodstock, disappointed that someone in the mosh pit looks like a happy black bear.

TOILET TROUBLES

I'm pretty sure that the headline 'toilet troubles' is definitely one more suited to Mumsnet than here in the Star, but I'm running with it. The first festival I ever attended put me off festival loos for life.

It was hellish – one huge box separated by boards for cubicle walls. That was it. If you looked in the loo at the wrong angle when gearing up for the worst tinkle of your existence, you could see exactly what the person in the toilet behind yours was up to. God forbid you cast your eyes down at the hateful abyss in the depths. . . I have seen things that no human being should ever have to see in those things.

And in scorching heat? It was just about the worst thing I've ever experienced at a festival.

But that horror was quickly offset by the wonderful discovery of Shewee, disposable funnels that allow you to stand up and wee like a man. In fact, Shewees did more for me in terms of female liberation than my college women's society ever did.

Sorry to buck the trend of writing things suitable for a polite audience, but you don't know how good life can really be until you've stood tall and emptied your bladder like a dude.

CAMPING, OR CRAMPING?

Think you'll just need a two man pop-up and off you go?

Think again.

Unless you plan to be so drunk that you don't know what you're doing all weekend (and I don't recommend that given you might DIE, silly) then you're going to need something more robust.

Now, there's nothing wrong with a two man pop-up, as long as it has two layers. You don't realise just how important that second layer is until you're getting changed and accidentally touch the sides with your bare skin and are drenched with cold, liquid breath.

I'm such a big fan of my own bed that I can't deal with the notion of sleeping on the floor.

I can't think of a single band alive that I want to see so much that it'd negate my desire to retire to a comfy bed at the end of a long day on my feet.

My advice? If you can carry it, take it. All of it. In our nanna shopping trolleys, we take two double air beds, two sleeping bags each (a wide one for snuggling in and a second to cover just in case it gets cold) as well as a lamp and a couple of decent portable phone chargers. In fact, my festival bedroom is better than my actual bedroom. . .

Kirsty will be mostly crying with sweet emotion over Anthrax at Bloodstock Festival, Catton Park from August 11-14. If you'd like to share a beer with her while watching Slayer, grab your tickets here.