Kirsty Bosley: Dear future generations... My heartfelt apology at legacy

The thought in itself is strange. To think that one day I will have great-great-great grandchildren. Worse still, descendants that will dig to discover that their great-great-great nan Kirsty was a writer for the paper and had her picture in there, regularly, in a whole range of daft poses. I hope that they'll be proud of me, but let's be honest, I once wrote a column about how I cried over a wrestler. So it's not looking good for me.

I'm hoping that my kids' kids' kids will be stars of the genealogical show Who Do You Think You Are? in hundreds of years to come, household names for doing something really ace. Hopefully they'll be the hosts of News at Ten or world renowned authors, famous for writing the biggest book since Harry Potter. And when they look back at their family history, they will discover me, the journalist, and find some of my columns online.

Maybe this very article is one of them. I should probably speak directly to them, really. I think I'll have a lot of explaining to do by the time they're old enough to read.

Dear great, great, great grandchildren,

I'm so glad that the Star is still going strong and that you've managed to find this article in their very elaborate, holographic back catalogue based in the still very busy library. I invented that, did I tell you? I was 50 at the time, I won millions on the Lotto and turned my hand to inventing, like Caractacus Potts in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. I even have a robot to cook my breakfast, but the library holographic newspaper catalogue is my pièce de résistance. Libraries have always been important, and I'm glad to know that they still are and that they're helping you and your generation find this.

First of all, allow me to say I'm sorry I couldn't be more profound and memorable. I apologise that this column isn't filled with impressive quotes worthy of sharing with your friends via the social chip in your brain that keeps you connected to them. I never intended to disappoint you, but things were complicated when I was alive. By complicated, I mean I just wasn't particularly philosophical. I'm sorry.

And as I have started the apologies, allow me to open the floodgates and inundate you with more. I am sorry they still haven't made real hoverboards, we just never could get the hang of that particular technology. Some things are far too combustible, and as a people, we couldn't allow anyone else to injure themselves trying to perfect this piece of tech. Also, one Christmas all the kids had these very strange faux 'hoverboards' with wheels, and they all exploded within a year. Barmy. They didn't even hover.

All jokes aside, I am sorry about the state we left the world in for you. I'm sorry that you are now ruled by the Kardashian West Dynasty, under one universal government. At the time of writing this, we had only North and Saint West, along with the kids of one of the other sisters. Now you have enough of them to fill all of the palaces and royal abodes in the land.

They were just tabloid fodder in my time, famous simply for existing, with millions of people worldwide galvanising their influence by subscribing to their nonsense online. But by the time you read this, they will inevitably be ruling you all, with bum selfies (belfies, we called them in my day) as important as a photo of your face in your passport. No wait, you won't need passports any more, will you? If you're living under one government? Dear me, this is more complex than I intended when I started.

I'm not sorry to hear that we finally saw the light and ditched the whole Conservative – Labour – Conservative – Labour rally, really. I bet you look back on how we did things back pre-23rd century and laugh, don't you? Can you believe that at one point, we sacrificed things like the health service we offered our people while bankers lived on yachts, paid for by huge bonuses? And the people who owned massive corporations paid little to no tax to contribute to the society it operates in? I know, it's unfathomable isn't it? I always dreamt of living in a world where taking care of other humans was more important than money. But wild capitalism, unfortunately, outlived me.

We were really backward back in 2016.

It took us a good while to overthrow the government as we know it and replace it with the Kardashian Wests. But that's what happens when young people in society are more interested in what Kimye is up to than turning up to the polls and voting. As soon as the voting app launched and Glorious Supreme Leader West put herself up for leadership, it all changed. Maybe if the government we had at the time had spent more time educating our children, things would not have turned out this way.

I imagine that by now, the Kardashian Wests have outlawed organised religion, with fashion magazines being your only bibles. I certainly hope that you've ditched it anyway. You only have to look through back issues on the library's Kirsty 500 Patented Holographic Back Catalogue System to see just how much heartache it inspired when we lived by it.

At the time of writing this, the country as I know it split. Many are furious that we're considering changing exam periods to accommodate someone else's belief systems. Muslim children are going to be given a break during Ramadan, to give them a fair shot at passing their tests. But many ham-fisted idiots are still demanding they 'go back where they came from' and 'live by our rules'. It's quite repulsive.

Anyway, while you laugh at our stupidity, I have to run. I'm sorry that you have to live on a boat now. We really didn't believe the scientists when they warned us about ice caps. LOL. Oops.

Hope you're having a good time now you can holiday on Mars.

With love,

Your great, great, great Nan x