Let's play darts - Grand Slam hits Wolverhampton

It's not an exaggeration to say that Wolverhampton city centre is a better place to be when the darts juggernaut rolls into town. The area around the Civic Hall becomes a gigantic party for two weeks, as arrow-ficianados from far and wide descend on the city for the only major tournament to unite the two rival darts organisations, the PDC (the fancy one that they have on Sky) and the BDO (the one that the BBC can afford).

There are some people out there who argue that darts isn't a sport, writes Pete Cashmore. That the reason Phil 'The Power' Taylor has never been Sports Personality Of The Year despite dominating the game for two decades, is for that very reason. Well, I happen to agree with them. Darts ISN'T a sport.

It's so much tougher than that.

Just think about what a darts player is asked to do, with metronomic regularity, in order to prevail in their discipline. They have to stand 2.4 metres away from a circular board at a fixed height (five feet and eight inches, in case you were wondering) and hurl projectiles weighing in the region of 25-30 grams with unerring accuracy into sections of that board measuring, I would estimate, about five square centimetres in total. I'm talking about the trebles there, the bullseye's total area is even less.

Just try to imagine having to throw with such accuracy, when your livelihood depends on it, into such a tiny landing point.

People talk about pressure in sport all the time, and how they supposedly thrive when they are under pressure, which I've always thought as being nonsense, because being under pressure is A Bad Thing. In darts, more than any other sport (it IS a sport) you get to witness pressure exerting its vice-like grip on a competitor and witness first-hand the decimation it can cause.

When a darts player loses his focus, the results can be spectacular, even painful to watch, especially since the instinct of the opponent is to start turning the screws. It's the darts equivalent of the late sprint in the home straight or the last-minute penalty – except in darts, these mental collapses can happen several times in a game.

A perfect example is the 2007 BDO World Championship final. In that match, favourite Martin 'Wolfie' Adams raced into a six sets to nil lead against journeyman qualifier, the late Phill Nixon, in a first-to-seven final. Game over? Not a bit of it. A break took the momentum away from Adams, he visibly panicked in sight of the finishing line, and back came Nixon, reeling off set one, set two, set three. . . Suddenly he was level. Adams' wife had stormed from the crowd and hid in the toilet. Adams was collapsing, all live on BBC2.

You would, by this point, have bet your house on Nixon finishing off the visibly stricken Adams. Instead, he found fresh will from somewhere – Lord only knows where – rose up anew and closed out the final set and the world title.

Over those two weeks, hostelries like Yates, Popworld and the Dog and Doublet can expect to become a riot of colour, fancy dress, wigs, and many many pints. You'll see the darters themselves out on the town, downing after-match ales and happily taking their place in fans' selfies. It's a bit like Slam Dunk but with beer bellies and sports casualwear instead of punk and tattoos.

Elsewhere on this page I will be attempting to persuade the sceptical that darts is the greatest sport on Earth. But for those of you who are already what we might call 'arrows-curious' and are thinking about giving the Grand Slam Of Darts a go, whether that be live and in the flesh or on Sky Sports, here are 10 things you need to know.

1 Michael van Gerwen of Holland is likely to win it. He's the world number one and has an easy group. Keep an eye out for him, he's the one who looks like a giant baby.

2 Local boy Wayne 'The Wanderer' Jones is in a fascinating group, that includes number five seed Adrian Lewis, and former BDO world champion Andy Fordham, who has fought his way back into the game after ill health brought on by excessive boozing – he used to down 25 bottles of lager before a typical match. I once spent an evening with him enjoying the hostelries of Athens in 2007 and I'm still recovering.

3 At least one member of the crowd will, over the course of the two weeks, propose to their life partner by writing 'DEBS I LUV U WILL U MARRY ME' on a sign and holding it up to the camera.

4Phil Taylor may be – very slightly – past his peak, but he still revels in his role as the pantomime villain of darts, which has basically come about because people got a bit fed up with him winning everything, all the time. Expect good-natured booing and gamesmanship.

5 If you are ever intending to wear a onesie in public – and let's face it, deep down in our hearts, we all are – then this is the place to do it. You've never had a better chance.

6 During the players' walk-ons, you will see some of the most awkward, poorly-executed attempts at throwing a high-five ever caught on camera.

7 Number four seed Peter 'Snakebite' Wright looks like a complete berk (see photo).

8 If you want to get behind someone who isn't Wayne Jones, then look no further than Martin 'Wolfie' Adams. For one thing, he has the same nickname as the Wolverhampton Wanderers mascot. He is also, coming from the BDO, very much the underdogs' champion. His ex-wife Sharon used to be something of a fixture on the darts scene, noted for storming out at inopportune moments when hubby was playing less than perfectly.

9 There's likely to be a huge Dutch contingent descending like Viking warriors on Wolverhampton, with van Gerwen, Raymond van Barneveld, Jelle Klaasen, Mark Oosterhuis and Michael van der Horst all representing the Netherlands. Apparently, 'Negentienhonderd negenentachtig!' is '180!' in Dutch, if you're looking to make friends.

10 There are no comically fat darts players at the Grand Slam Of Darts. I'm really sorry to break this news, but the likes of Andy 'The Pieman' Smith or Scotland's John Henderson, who looks like a pink angry thumb, will not be present. This year's line-up is surprisingly streamlined and, dare we say it, in the cases of Jelle Klaasen and Rowby-John Rodriguez, actually quite good-looking. . .

* Phil 'The Power' Taylor, that is. But you knew that already.

Bag of nuts! A potted guide to darting slang

Darts isn't just a way of life. It brings with it a whole language, as complex and unfathomable as the Enigma Code or the language that mechanic use when they explain why they have failed your car in an MOT. This crash course will teach you the basics in How To Speak Darts...

Arrows: darts. Nice easy one to start.

Breakfast: Hitting the unholy trinity of 20, 5 and 1, scoring 26 in total.

Champagne breakfast: Like breakfast, but all trebles, scoring 78.

Sighter, marker: A throw at a double that misses, but is close enough to suggest that the next one will be successful.

Tops on!: A cry that indicates that the player requires double 20 for the win.

On the wire: A dart that lands so close to the treble or double that it contacts with the metal marking it out.

Dartitis: A mysterious condition, similar to the yips in golf, where the player is psychologically unable to release the dart at the right time.

Ton 80: A quicker way of saying 'one hundred and eighty'.

Hot toddy: A player who performs better when they have enjoyed a few pre-match medicinal alcoholic drinks.

The lipstick: The treble twenty portion of the board, which is red and shaped like an upper lip.

Bag of nuts: Dismissive term for a score of 45 gained when aiming for treble 20s. Quite often seen in women's darts. Sorry, but it is.

Bag of nails: Worse than the bag of nuts, this happens when all three darts land in the single 1, the number 1, of course, being similar to a nail.

Report by Pete Cashmore