Behind the scenes of the campaign trail

I thought 'that's one way to get the deficit down'.

The fee would apply to any of us lowly hacks and photographers who failed to apply before March 27.

They wanted to know everything from our home addresses to our passport and driving licence numbers.

I would not have been surprised if they'd wanted my inside leg measurement too but mercifully I was spared that indignity.

This is just one example of the way in which it seems this General Election is being rigorously stage managed to within an inch of its life.

So far, two weeks in, I have not had to show my bright blue piece of plastic lanyard once.

Labour are tightly controlling things on their side too.

When Ed Miliband and some of the shadow cabinet came to Jaguar Land Rover's engine plant, we wicked Press were kept penned inside a glass room and separated from the dignitaries who had come to hear them speak until the speech itself.

There was an excuse about health and safety. And it would have made sense were it about not letting reporters and photographers run riot around a factory where we might accidentally set off a chain reaction that would turn an engine into an exhaust.

But we were told to stay in an office and watch as the business leaders mingled. We could not even approach them and ask what they were hoping to hear from the man who might be the next Prime Minister.

This week, when George Osborne came to Red House Glass Cone in Wordsley, it all came across as a wonderfully jolly encounter where the Chancellor mucked around in the kitchen with a cake and then tried his hand at shaping some glass.

But as soon as we arrived we were herded into a side room, the door closed behind us and kept out of the way until he was on sight and ready for us.

We couldn't talk to the would-be MPs, nor could we mingle with the members of the public. The convenient effect of this is that were the Chancellor to be greeted by an angry voter who wanted to speak his or her mind, we would be none the wiser.

Five years ago David Cameron stood on a pallet in the warehouse of Asda in Wolverhampton and addressed workers. On his visit to Wolverhampton last week he and the Chancellor hurried into Banks's Brewery for a meeting with bosses and the Prime Minister was then brought to the press in a little side room. I have no idea what the brewery staff made of it.

Even the celebrity backers are carefully marshalled. Eddie Izzard's appearance in Halesowen was greeted by a group of placard waving Labour supporters who flanked him the whole way as he walked down the high street in his stiletto heels before holding court in a cafe, again with Labour supporters. He probably met just a handful of floating voters. Preaching to the converted doesn't help. And that's a shame, because he's clearly passionate about his politics. They could have done with getting him on the doorsteps.

It does work when a frontbencher actually visits someone's home. Iain Duncan Smith got one taunt from a passer by in Netherton, but most of those whose doors he knocked were at least polite with the work and pensions secretary.

What we don't get anywhere near enough of is the big name politicians out on the streets doing a walkabout. A few seconds of listening to someone's concerns, shaking a few hands or even doing a John Major and getting up on the soapbox must surely make a world of difference.

Instead they are shuttled about and have only the flimsiest grasp of where in the country they even are.

The low light of this second week of campaigning came from the health secretary, Jeremy Hunt.

He was in Staffordshire to meet with bosses at Cannock Chase Hospital.

My photographer colleague was allowed to go along but I was told I had to wait in my office for a phone call from the minister.

It didn't stop a huge contingent of Tory supporters tagging along with him.

And when his call did finally come, I was told he would answer just two questions.

This from the minister whose department has overseen the controversial downgrade of Stafford Hospital and who must mount the Conservative defence to Labour's bid to 'weaponise' the NHS.

He finished by telling me that the NHS was now so good the number of people using health insurance has dropped. I could not counter this by asking whether that was really because people can't afford it anymore as my time was up.

They are not all like this, of course.

Patrick McLoughlin, the former miner turned Tory secretary of state, came to our office and was exactly the same in the interview as he was chatting over a cup of tea.

The former Cannock Chase councillor is undoubtedly an asset to the Conservatives but his presence serves to remind us just how few politicians there are on either side of the house who have real working class backgrounds.

Nigel Farage, too, for all his many controversial statements, comes across as a 'what you see is what you get' type. It's just that there's rather a lot of people who don't like what they see or hear anymore, judging by the opinion polls.

But his day in the West Midlands was thoroughly choreographed too and he was flanked by a 'pool' camera crew from the broadcasters, following the party leaders around. When he held a public meeting in Dudley, UKIP charged £5 each for admission.

As the Bard said, 'all the world's a stage and all the men and women merely players'. The politicians are taking their cues and they're rehearsing their lines.

Meanwhile we voters are the ones who are being played.