Let's pay our MPs £100,000 a year

THE 11 per cent pay rise for MPs is outrageous. It is nowhere near enough. I propose an immediate hike of £35,000 a year, taking the basic MP salary to £100,000 – with only two tiny provisions. Firstly, the number of MPs must be reduced immediately from 650 to 300. Secondly, the total payroll for Parliament will be frozen for the next 20 years. In other words, the only way MPs could increase their pay would be by sacking a few of their colleagues. Result, an ever-smaller, cheaper and more effective Parliament which provides innocent amusement for the electorate once a year as MPs fight like cats in a bag to avoid being chucked out.

DID you do your bit on Small Business Saturday, December 7? I did. With my winter-fuel allowance burning a hole in my pocket, I strode into town on a noble mission to support Britain's beleaguered small shops, Gawd bless 'em. At the struggling little music shop I blew £130 on a smart new ukulele. About 20 minutes later (and I fully admit I should have done this beforehand) I went online and found I could have bought the identical brand-new uke on eBay for fifty quid. High-street shops: we can't afford to lose them and we can't afford to use them.

HARK! Is that Santa on the roof? Nope. After 20 years of fairly indifferent service, our weather vane parted company with the chimney in the gales. The pointer, a piece of metal in the shape of a pheasant, bounced noisily down the roof and punched a hole in a tile. It was a reminder that what goes up, must come down, and that the most dangerous bird you can ever have on your roof is a solid steel one.

THE days after last week's gales saw a feeding frenzy for roofers. I posted my roof-repair job on a website that puts householders in touch with tradesmen. It involved replacing just one broken tile, with a budget of up to £250. Although 220 tradesmen considered the job, only one called. Nice to be so busy.

SOMETIMES, the tabloids are beyond parody. "How to Get Nigella's Court Look" was the headline on a feature in which one of Fleet Street's finest tinted her hair, had a facial and wore a Peter Pan collared blouse to imitate the appearance of Ms Lawson arriving for the hearings. I imagine that Nigella's latest gaunt-haughty look has more to do with the agony of divorce, untold stress and too many skipped meals than with the beautician's brush. But having copied her appearance, why stop there? Let's have the Ruth Ellis look. Yes, ladies, with a blonde rinse, dark shadows under the eyes and a worried expression you, too, can look like the last British woman to be hanged. Maybe I shouldn't be giving them ideas.

AT A time when the Hacked Off zealots and most politicians are demanding a state-supervised Royal Charter to govern the Press, consider this: "A critical, independent and investigative press is the lifeblood of any democracy. The press must be free from state interference. It must have the economic strength to stand up to the blandishments of government officials. It must have sufficient independence from vested interests to be bold and inquiring without fear or favour. It must enjoy the protection of the constitution, so that it can protect our rights as citizens." That was Nelson Mandela, speaking in 1994. He was on our side. He would never have joined Hacked Off.

BEWARE of DIY carol sheets. I am fresh back from a concert which included Hark the Herald Angels Sin. An interesting new twist on the nativity story.