Best of Peter Rhodes - September 24

The best of this week's Peter Rhodes column from the Express & Star.

MAXIMUM respect for the BBC weatherman who, at 5.30 am, successfully tackled the tongue-twisting prediction that the day's rainfall would be "potentially torrential."

NOT so sure about Auntie Beeb setting its video compilation of the Pope's visit to Lou Reed's 1972 classic, Perfect Day. Isn't the song usually associated with heroin?

"A SOLDIER died today" is a poem echoing around cyberspace in the run-up to Remembrance Day. It is probably American and it's a bit sentimental for my taste and far too long to reproduce in full. But I did like this verse, contrasting the roles of politicians and squaddies:

Is the greatest contribution

To the welfare of our land,

Someone who breaks his promise

And cons his fellow man?

Or the ordinary fellow

Who in times of war and strife,

Goes off to serve his country

And offers up his life?

I BET everyone nods along with the above. But when we want someone as the guest at our local events, do we not always ask the mayor, the MP or some other politician? We may claim to respect our soldiers but you don't see many lance-corporals invited to declare the village fete open.

BOBBY Smith, the legendary Spurs striker, dies and our thoughts inevitably turn to the golden age of football. Ah, yes, those halcyon days when good sportsmanship was celebrated and working-class heroes played cleanly for the sheer love of the game. Or did they? As the Daily Telegraph obituary relates: "Jimmy Greaves recalled the 13-stone Smith screaming: 'You're going to ****ing get it, mate!' before unleashing body charges at defenders." They were golden days, all right. Just remember that gold is heavy and hard.

FUNNY things happen in computer land. Trawling through eBay for a feature, I came across a book on tableware. Below it the publisher has listed the four most popular books in his list:

* The Hamlyn recipe book for 200 Cupcakes

* Makeup: The Ultimate Guide

* The Halogen Oven Cookbook

* Mein Kampf by Adolf Hitler

A strange assortment. Strangest of all was the publisher's description of der Fuhrer's manifesto: "New book!"

SCIENTISTS in Toronto claim that talking to yourself, far from being a sign of madness, actually helps people improve their self-control. If I may chip in my two-penn'orth, it also helps improve your writing. I get an endless succession of press releases from people who have obviously not read their stuff out loud. If they did, they would recognise it for the gibberish it am.

THE Duke of Edinburgh took a lot of flak in 1999 when he saw an old-fashioned fuse box on a royal visit and observed: "It looks as if it was put in by an Indian." Eleven years on, at the chaotic Commonwealth Games village in Delhi, exposed electric wires have been spotted dangling next to waterlogged walkways. It would be a good idea to keep the Duke well away from that little shambles.

ALL hail, Thanet, the ----- world's largest ----- wind farm which ------ opened yesterday. Sorry ------- about the irritating ---- pauses ---- in this section ----- but this ---- computer only ---- works ------- when ---- the wind is ------------- blowing. And ---- don't get ----- me started on ---- the kettle.

A READER assures us that "the motivation for the Vatican's conservatism is sacramental, not sinister." I bet they said much the same about the Spanish Inquisition. Trust us, brother, this bonfire will improve your soul no end.

IMAGE of the week was surely the photograph of two burglars stuck on the roof of the house they had raided in Kew, London. As police whistled up a fire-brigade cherry picker to arrest them, the pair laughed, showed off a stolen Rolex, played games on a stolen laptop and made mobile-phone calls to their mates. And why shouldn't they laugh? With this six-hour stand-off they ran up a £25,000 bill for taxpayers, caused distress to a family and got their silly faces in the papers. What a hoot. We have known for ages that our criminal-justice system has absolutely no fear factor. Now it has a fun factor. But only for the criminals.

INCIDENTALLY, this stand-off would have been a damn sight shorter than six hours if a police marksman had been sent to the scene with an air rifle. Now, that's entertainment.

ELF 'n' safety strikes again. A grandmother tells me how she collected cereal boxes and cardboard rolls for a craft project her grandson was doing at school. The teacher rejected all the toilet-paper tubes on the grounds that they had been in contact with, er, toilet paper. Mind how you go.