Best of Peter Rhodes - January 23

Peter Rhodes on birdwatching, bible-thumping, vegetable growing, misheard lyrics and the woes of sharing a hospital ward with someone talking loudly about constipation. _________________________________________________________________

BBC Focus magazine reports excitedly on a new website designed to cut sexually transmitted diseases: "It lets you send an e-card with a message recommending that a sexual partner gets a health check, without the awkwardness of telling them in person."

Well, maybe it does. But I dare say the first meeting after the e-card arrives could be just a wee bit awkward.

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Scientists believe there may be microbes on Mars. In my humble opinion, this is the best place to leave them. We have quite enough microbes on this planet without importing more in the name of scientific research.

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Birdwatchers waited for hours to see a rare grey phalarope in Cornwall. Just as it appeared a buzzard zoomed in and snatched it.

Some bird experts say it's rare for buzzards, who usually eat carrion, to take live birds. I'm not so sure, having had a long chat recently with a falconer. He says buzzards are brilliantly versatile birds. Centuries ago in thick-forested England they specialised in catching snakes. As the forests were cleared they moved on to carrion.

Their latest trick is to patrol the motorways looking for hovering kestrels. When the little hawk drops on a vole, the buzzard follows it down and eats both kestrel and prey. Incidentally, I have a friend whose cat was almost taken by a buzzard.

A grey phalarope? Just another tit-bit for the ever-adaptable buzzard.

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On Friday last week the Lord Chief Justice, the aptly named Lord Judge, said court sentences for burglary should reflect the trauma and loss suffered by victims.

We now learn that on the very same day two thugs broke into a 78-year-old lady's home in Cardiff. When she refused to hand over money, they snapped the neck of her beloved budgie.

I bet they get a really stiff spell of probation.

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Don't swallow all that guff about "cash is king" during a recession. I've been dealing with everything from boiler companies to hotels over the past few weeks and if you think they're all knocking their prices down, think again.

The plumber who says he can install my boiler wants £400 per day - but won't say whether it will take one day or two.

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From an internet dictionary of new terms. Testiculating: The act of waving one's arms around while talking b****cks

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A reader tells me he opened his bank statement over breakfast yesterday to find that his £6,000 Isa is now paying £4 a month interest. He did not feel well enough to finish his meal.

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The number of airline flights has fallen to the lowest level since the 9/11 terror attacks. A clever old chap at Greenpeace once told me that there's nothing quite so green as a recession.

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Definitions for our time. A "cube farm" is an office divided into cubicles. "Prairie dogging" happens when there's a disturbance in the cube farm and people pop up to see what's going on.

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Hell is other people. New rules may allow mobile phones on hospital wards, providing they don't interfere with equipment.

A hospital visitor offers this warning. His mother who is 93 recently shared a four-bed ward with two other women including one in her 30s.

This patient was telling a friend on her mobile about her constipation, her enema and the hoped-for bowel movement. She was yelling into the phone in the loudest and crudest terms, to the embarrassment and annoyance of everyone else.

As my reader points out: "Never mind interfering with equipment; it's the interference with the quality of life in an already difficult situation that's the problem."

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If you've ever tried growing vegetables, you'll know that you end up feeding not only the family but every maggot, mouse and weevil for miles around. Professional growers do better, thanks to a ferocious armoury of pesticides.

But while all eyes have been on the financial crisis over the past few months, the European Union has been busy banning some of the chemicals that go into these pesticides.

Environmentalists say the ban will be good for humans and animals alike. Some farmers say it will make potatoes, carrots, peas and parsnips uneconomical to grow.

An old chap who spends many happy summer days feeding the bugs tells me: "Imagine if the farmers were only getting the yields that we get. Prices would have to rise. And if all these pesticides are so bad for us, how come we are living longer than ever?"

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More bad economic news. A dog-food factory has ceased trading. They've called in the retrievers.

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Late entry in the misheard-lyrics thread. A reader says he could never understand why Kenny Rogers had 400 children and a cop in the field.

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A bible-thumping reader writes to say God created Adam and Eve as perfect humans, but they chose to believe the Devil and thus became sinners. Their sins have "permeated down through the centuries" and we humans must now be "refined" through suffering.

Apparently if you believe this stuff you get to spend all eternity with this reader. I always thought Heaven would be jollier.

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* Has this whetted your appetite for more of Peter's gems? Make sure you read his column every day by picking up a copy of the Express & Star.