Best of Peter Rhodes - October 3
Here's a selection of the best of the Peter Rhodes column taken from the Express & Star for the week ending October 3.
Here's a selection of the best of the Peter Rhodes column taken from the Express & Star for the week ending October 3.
"FAINTLY ridiculous from a man who owns several airlines and travels in a Falcon 900 executive jet." The Economist magazine commenting on Sir Richard Branson's plan to make his private Caribbean island carbon-neutral.
THE ending of the Act of Settlement will allow a Roman Catholic to become our monarch. But at least we all know what a Roman Catholic is. Does anyone have a clue what the Prince of Wales believes in these days?
A NEW scam has arrived by e-mail, this time announcing: "Thank you for using our new service 'Buy airplane ticket Online' on our website." It goes on to say the fee has been deducted from my credit card. I haven't a clue how it works but be warned. Bin it.
THE entire world as we know it is about to end. Or so you might assume from the hysteria in some quarters about the latest legislation on the size of loaves of bread, which sweeps away the Assize of Bread law dating from 1266. No longer will bread be produced solely in large or small loaves in multiples of 400 grams. The baking industry predicts a national outbreak of confusion and misery. But that would happen only if any of us knew a) what 400 grams was, or b)what the price of a loaf of bread was supposed to be. In an age when identical loaves cost anything from 70p to £1.20 depending where you shop, it makes sense to sell the stuff in sizes that people actually want and thus reduce waste. But I do fear for the future of that great user-up of stale loaves, the bread-and-butter pudding.
MORE stuff from church bulletin boards: "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a great chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping about the house. Bring your husbands."
AND this: "The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus."
IT'S that time of year again. A seasonal flurry of long-term forecasts suggests a cool but fairly dry winter. For those of you who believe in such forecasts, here's a bobby dazzler, from the Met Office. It was released on April 3 this year and looked forward to "a typical British summer," likely to be warmer than average with rainfall "near or above average." What we actually got was a wretched, washout summer with some horrendous flooding and ruined harvests. As a Met Office spokesman said of long-range forecasts back in April: "They are not forecasts which can be used to plan a summer holiday or inform an outdoor event." Damn right.
WELCOME to Britain. Now get this dahn yer neck. Waitrose managing director Mark Price has persuaded Heathrow to run a week-long trial in November, offering a free cup of tea and a biscuit to 5,000 travellers on arrival. It is a delightful gesture of greeting and yet warning bells begin to ring. What exactly do they mean by tea? A tiny rearguard of Brits still make the stuff the proper way using loose tea in a warmed pot, brewed for four minutes and poured through a strainer. But is this what Heathrow will be serving? Or will the new arrivals' first taste of England be the usual soggy thing on a string floating in a cardboard cup of tepid water?
A CERTAIN chemistry of eyes and jaw line sets some men apart from the rest. The late, great Paul Newman had it, so did Steve McQueen. And when the two were paired for the first time in The Towering Inferno (1974), something almost magical happened. It was not the greatest of movies but I have never seen the mood of a cinema audience change so suddenly as when Newman, the architect, and McQueen, the fire chief, met at the blazing skyscraper. Everything looked hopeless and yet when those two great faces filled the screen you just knew, somehow, everything would turn out right.
THE little kitten survived the blaze, too. It was scooped up in The Towering Inferno by a really nice, kind-hearted security guard. Played by O J Simpson.
CHARLES Saatchi, husband of the divine Nigella Lawson, is losing weight on a diet of nothing but eggs. Before trying the same diet do take a lawyer's advice. As any solicitor will tell you, eggs may not be legal but they are certainly binding.
AND goodness only knows what Nigella's electricity bill will be like this quarter. I assume all the windows are wide open.
OUR ancestors named their herbs very sensibly. Spleenwort was reckoned to be good for the spleen, liverwort for the liver and eyebright for the eyes. Scientists are investigating whether a Chinese herb may be "the natural Viagra". I would not be surprised. Why else would it be called horny goat weed?
ON WEDNESDAY an Australian was arrested at Heathrow on a warrant for the "crime" (under German law) of denying the Holocaust. By a curious coincidence, on the very same day German researchers announced that the long- hallowed figure of 135,000 Germans killed in the 1945 fire-bombing of Dresden is wildly incorrect. It now emerges that fewer than 25,000 perished. Isn't it a bit steep to be prosecuted for crimes against history when history changes all the time?
FROM this week planning laws in England are relaxed. Oh, joy. We will be able to slap up that new loft conversion or rear extension without asking the local council for permission. Great news if you're the one doing the building. Not such great news if it's your neighbour. And whoever does it, be aware that high in the sky are the satellites watching every brick you lay. Up goes your conservatory. And then, as if by magic, up goes your council tax.
MEANWHILE, back at the church bulletin board: "The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon."
A HYPHEN in the above snippet ("cast-off clothing") would have made everything crystal-clear. But the hyphen, like the apostrophe, is not understood these days. This is a pity because in a hyphenless society no-one knows the difference between extra-marital sex and extra marital sex.
* Has this whetted your appetite for more of Peter's gems? Make sure you read his column every day by picking up a copy of the Express & Star.
